Shuttle saga continues

I got a Shuttle services application packet in the mail yesterday -- looks as if Pierce Transit is making all current passengers re-apply for Shuttle services. I must sign and return the papers before Oct 23 or I'll be considered "no longer in need" of Shuttle services. Now isn't that a "unique," punitive way of cutting budgets/reducing passenger volume?!

If the newly listed eligibility administrator has an ounce of compassion or logic, she might actually comprehend that there is no longer a bus stop near me. Never mind that the stop terrain was ALWAYS gravel & dirt! Well, then again... if the new eligibility coordinator is as much of a policy-enforcing bureaucrat as her predecessor, I'm still very much between a rock and a hard place. Just to highlight the depth of my need for Shuttle services, I'll have my doc, PT and "licensed mental health counselor" all sign the app and testify on my "disabled" behalf. Nothing is simple in my world!

I had a very good, much appreciated thing happen this afternoon. I typically call the Shuttle reservations office every Sunday afternoon to set up the rides I KNOW I'll need for the week ahead. I have a counseling appt this Thursday, and because my counselor's office is on Pearl St. in north Tacoma, I am usually refused a Shuttle-only ride and told that I must use the Shuttle van to connect with a fixed route bus. (Going to and from using the suggested combination of bus and shuttle takes nearly 90 min each way... all for an hour-long counseling session!) I don't do that willingly and usually find a parent, neighbor or friend to drive me instead. For some reason, I GOT my Shuttle-only counseling ride this time! I'm not going to ask questions... THANK YOU!!

Pray for a helpful, encouraging outcome to my upcoming "new" application for Shuttle services, please. Luv ya for your support :)

More than they know...

Hello! Several of you have received some form of my lament in email today as well. I am processing as I write, so thanks for bearing with me!

Last week, Joe, who orchestrates our adult discipleship classes asked me to consider co-leading a Crown Finance biblical finance principles small group in the fall, but I have no idea about my work schedule or living details, so I told him I couldn't commit to leading things. I may end up taking the class myself because I desperately want to avoid some of the monetary disagreements my parents are dealing with. Heck, I'll happily accept fewer obstacles in ANY form :)

Hi Joe -- Your request comes at a time of much wondering about life and family. My parents own property in Seattle overlooking the Fauntleroy ferries that has been rented for the past year or so. Well, that renter was laid off and is moving to Idaho. He is a family friend and told my parents verbally that he would do things as a favor to them that went beyond the lease. Needless to say, he did not. Sadly he didn't even fulfill the lease he signed. My parents have had to finance clean up and repairs which has strained their already tense relationship. They have differing ideas of how to spend or save funds, not to mention holding people who signed agreements accountable. Right now, my parents don't speak. Mom said tonight that she doesn't love John like she used to and doesn't want to be with him any longer. The rental house wars were the wind that blew the roof off their personal house of cards.She still hasn't told him how she feels face-to-face, though. I insisted that she do it SOON and tell me so I can be GONE right then. I can't describe the pit in my stomach... How on earth do I tell my parents to fight for their marriage?! UGH. Pray, would you please?

Now, about me and my potential availability for the Fall class. I have no clue what my work days or hours will be. TCC has cut things drastically so I am continuing to apply for anything that looks remotely likely. No luck yet... Outside of all that, I'm looking for another place to live and hammering out my final Master's year.

I wish I could tell you one way or the other, but I simply can't. Thanks for thinking of me, but if you want to choose the leaders more quickly, it's probably best to ask someone else. Who knows? I might end up taking the class myself! Long answer to a short question... Story of my life :)

My dad, John just returned from a "boys'" weekend golfing in Spokane. When he got home last night, mom was out in the backyard. I think they talked out there. She came in DRUNK and laughing like a crazy looney 2 hours after he went to bed in their room. She announced her (obviously) drunken state, laughed at her own "joke," and slept on the couch again. John's still 4+ yrs sober; now mom's drinking more than she ought to... Holy nutz, I live in the Twilight Zone.

Need hugs!!

Chairs with big wheels, showers with benches and buses on sidewalks

My post title reminds me of a Dr Seuss lyric. I need the strength to advocate effectivelty in order to move beyond this funk. I am trying to move forward. That means moving OUT. I cannot do this alone, so I asked a friend for her help.
I have a favor to ask... I got a copy of the Tacoma area wheelchair access apt list yesterday. One of the listed complexes, Steeplchase in Lakewood, is marked as a property with roll-in showers. When you were looking for Lakewood area apts, did you go there? (It's off Steilacoom Blvd within a few blocks of the Albertsons, I think.) There are buses that run along Steilacoom Blvd as well. IF your schedule permits, could you & I look at it together? Please?! You're more practically minded and apartment savvy than me... THANKS!!

here is a portion of what I wrote in response to that friend:

I prefer to meet people in my manual chair at first. That sometimes minimizes the stigma of "power chair = less capable." I'd appreciate a ride from you! If you're willing, you could drive our wheelchair van. My parents' insurance covers 25+ and I assume you have a good driving record. From the looks of things, they only have 2 bedroom units open right now at Steeplechase and those all have bathtub/shower combos. I am hesitant to call and ask about wheelchair access because that usually illicits a "Great... can they pay??" type of awkward silence. YES, I need to get over that... I also know that moving will take time. (Both time for $$ and gathering furniture and other housewares.) Perhaps I'll have gathered enough courage to call and inquire about specific access features by then :) I hate having additional needs that I never asked Him for... Pray that any apt people I contact would be willing to work with me. That way if I am able to view a roll-in apt, I could test my bigger chair's dimensions against the surroundings. I usually leave it parked in a corner when I'm home, though.

I also went to the Pierce Transit trip planner page asnd entered Steeplechase's main address. The system suggested that I get off the 212 bus at Steilacoom and Hipkins, then walk .20 miles to the complex's address. (Go a block along Steilacoom and turn at 83rd). Not too bad; I think that area is all sidewalked anyhow.

I am also contemplating writing city & county officers to force Pierce to reverse (I pray!) my restricted Shuttle access. Found individual contact info for the members of the Pierce Transit Board of Commissioners and the Pierce County Coordinated Transportation Council yesterday. Thank God for library resources! It's very difficult for me think of HOW to write and advocacy letter now. I am too mad to think objectively or act courteously. They've beaten me down so many times that I just want to tell them off and LEAVE this county!

Let me know what you think of my schemes thus far. THANKS for your support!

Stubborn Love

Yesterday, I received an email from a courageous woman I am proud to call my friend!. She is a school teacher and single mom. Her husband decided to leave when their daughter was not quite 5 months old. My friend has spent the intervening year learning what it means to move on and love again in spite of great losses. The message she wrote me yesterday has the kind of wisdom that comes from circumstances refined by dizzying, painful fire. Her words underscore the lack of what I have been seeing at home.

Communication is critical between all people in any kind of relationship. My dad refuses to listen to any views that difier from his, and even though Mom tries to meet him in his world, he still will not budge. Terribly sad to be that stubborn. Destructive! My parents attended two family counseling sessions with me, but our John was really uncomfortable at the first one and told mom he'd never do that again. She told him that those actions showed that he didn't care about our family and wasn't willing to support either Mom or me. He did attend the 2nd meeting, but used it to tear into me verbally. I told my counselor after that yelling match that my family session attempts were finished. There are a few things I will not subject myself to... That's one of 'em!

My friend wrote that her heart breaks when she thinks about me being a casualty in the "parent war." My heart is definitely torn as I attempt NOT to pick sides or react reflexively to my parents. I feel like the "adult" in their war. I'm an outsider lookin' in for sure. Thankfully, I spoke to the TACID housing office half an hour ago. The lady promised to mail me a current housing list this afternoon.

Continue to pray for us. I am afraid my parents' marriage is in danger.

Family... and why I seek "alone" places

Today, I wonder where the line is between being compassionate and still making sure that people keep their word... especially when that word includes a signed rental contract. AHH! Divided house here. Now John's muttering about me not being much of a Christian because I think the rental tenants ought to fulfill their agreements before moving, rather than pity the tenant's drunkenness. Is responsibility REALLY that foreign?!

My parents are just the same as always. Stuck but unsure of how to move. It's their marriage, not mine, so even when they seek my views, I say very little. Money = stability in my family. When circumstances arise (like a soon-to-be-vacant rental house,) Mom goes off because she cannot predict or control the outcomes. UGH. Neither of my parents can see that the other one has a different communication style, so they don't try to speak the his or her language. Perhaps this is why I live with them. God has opened my eyes to the crucial importance of learning HOW to communicate well. Scares me. I am very much like my mom, so I pray daily that the hand of God causes me think and act differently. Sometimes I wonder if my outspoken and opinionated life is why I don't date... who knows?! Right now, I think it'd be easier to live a single's life forever rather than tear down your spouse because both sides are not aware of a need to see things through the other's eyes. My parents are blind and foolish. Counseling helps ME see this, but THEY need to go for the sake of their marriage. I made myself two gin & tonics last night. "Beersti" needs a break!

In PROGRESS news, I am still on the waiting list for one accessible apt across the street from TCC, but there are many interested disabled renters ahead of me, so that will take many months of waiting. Other people have the same needs as mine. Apt hunting is very tricky because "normal" complexes only have to offer 30" wide doorways under building codes called "universal access." That's great, but I need more to live independently. Those needed pieces are: bathroom railings, a shower with a bench -- NO bathtubs. Hotels and assisted living buildings have those things, but they're very rare in the "real" world. Most disabled people have care staff, so the assumption is that access can be supplemented by that person. I don't need or want that kind of personal care, though. I am too proud and it's too private.

God KNOWS my needs. I wonder when He will open the doors that meet them. Sigh...

God as Scientist

Yesterday's creation vs. evolution sermon wasn't what I expected. I believe that God works through science, even in spite of the mindset of some doctors I met as a child. I grew up in a family that still asserts "I don't need God, I have doctors." This gives me plenty to wrestle with. As a child, I hated having to work so hard to physically move. I was confused and mad because my orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Mosca, was always trying to make me walk better and seem more like the other kids while my legs wouldn't cooperate. My parents wanted me to walk as much as I could. They hoped a type of corrective surgery would give me more chances to fit in with my peers. I remember Dr. Mosca telling me that once he did my 5-tendon releases-per-leg surgery, I'd be able to walk with arm crutches and not need my wheels in the house any longer. His over-confident, Italian charms mollified my frightened mom and aggravated my dad's sense of male pride. I trusted Dr. Mosca with the depth only a child possesses... falsely. I suffered nerve damage and never managed to do more than stand for 20 seconds with arm crutches. So much for a doctor's promises, I thought... Needless to say, I resented the title calling God "Great Physician" for ages.

Over the past few years, God has allowed me to meet a few doctors, even a surgeon, who are chipping my former ideas away. As I get to know these doctors personally, I see them as compassionate Christians who find the Lord in medicine. A year or so ago I found a book at the library called "The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief," written by Dr. Francis S. Collins. Dr. Collins heads the Human Genome Project. He dedicated his life and profession to the Lord in the midst of mapping DNA and studying biochemistry. This book is written in a very approachable style that had me hooked within pages. Reading Dr. Collins' zest for faith through medicine began to shift my thinking.

I may never know what Dr. Mosca, my pediatric orthopedic surgeon believes, but God has provided ways for me to excel even after my body did not react as "promised" after the surgery I endured. Yesterday's sermon didn't say that God is a creationist or evolutionist. He is Creator, period. He made me and those who care for me with their best knowledge and skills. I've learned that doctors don't know everything, though. Thank God I don't have to, either!

Walking with God, in word and motion

Those of you who know me best have likely heard me quip over "walking" with God. Long ago, the Lord showed me that regardless of my physical skill, I'll always walk with Him. I have been thinking about that lately because a few weeks ago I took part in a class where Jackson explained some of the history and Scriptural underpinnings for baptism and Communion. As our conversation went on, we talked about how language must be inclusive of all members of God's family. Jackson said that when he sees me, he has to think of rolling rather than walking... No thanks! (That makes me think of rolling on the floor... in the hay, down the mountain... clearly I digress :)

When Jackson told me that he thinks of me, perhaps struggling, to roll down the sloped Sanctuary aisle, I assured him that I prefer to come forward for Communion because that's one way I move toward God. Accepting the Bread and Cup in my seat wouldn't feel as participatory. Other people in the class then spoke of churches where the Bread and Cup were served along the pews while people remained seated. One of the most meaningful acts on Communion Sunday for me is the walk down that aisle. The walkway is steeper than it looks and I have slid more than once, but I feel compelled to advance under my own power as that time is between God and me. Each time Communion is served, I usually have the blessing of "fending off" offers from several people who wish to push me back to my usual place at the top of the aisle. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy everyone's desire to include and assist me! Those kindnesses are more powerful than you know.

This most recent Sunday, the miracle of Communion taught me another lesson. I attended our early worship service and was seated behind two ladies in their 80s who use walkers. I know one of those ladies from when she served as a greeter 8 years ago. Miss Vivian was one of the early people who made me feel welcome. The ushers were preparing for communion and asked me if I wished to be served in my seat. I declined, thanked them and went forward on my own. I returned and sat in prayer, only to look up and watch with blurry, grateful eyes as Miss Vivian and her walker-using sister were served two pews in front of me. This act of love and inclusion was not mentioned or done with spectacle, just compassionately offered and received. How like Jesus! At the end of our worship service, both ladies' walkers were returned to them and they rose to leave. I was struck by that act, too, because I realized that earlier in the morning when the ladies entered the sanctuary and sat, ushers moved their walkers which allowed them to simply be part of God's family. NO unwanted distinction from mobility devices present themselves in His Sanctuary. How good is God to preserve our dignity! Many of us are blessed by near-total access to the UPPC buildings, which allows those with mobility limitations to simply participate as our hearts desire. Thank you!

Spizzerinctum & Sprezzatura

Hello! I had to write about these two words.

I've been reading a book by Leonard Sweet called "The Gospel According to Starbucks" Chapter 6 of Sweet's book provided me with these two new words. Spizzerinctum comes from an Appalachian word that means accomplishing goals through initiative, industry, independence and spontaneity. Leaping from the original Appalachian cultural context to a Christian worldview, Sweet coins spizzerinctum "holy boldness." I like that very much! Reading reminds me that I am not alone because many others have wrestled with what it means to actively live for Christ along with me. I am also reminded that Jesus didn't send the Twelve without the Spirit.

My sense of being disconnected has been magnified as I fight the emotions brought up by the recent pageantry and advocacy of a friend. I've learned that visibility often creates a need to present a face to the word that looks composed and whole even when that's just the surface. I've always hated surface-level connections because, as I was reminded yesterday, they're usually based largely on appearance. My patient, caring friends who provided these perspective reminders are correct, but how do I take that honesty, work through my doubts and live with holy boldness, which should not ever be superficial?! Jesus "shows His love in ways that are daring, imaginative, bold and in-the-moment,"(Gospel According to Starbucks, 85). I long to be seen that way!

My journey continues with the second word -- sprezzatura. This word points to concepts which are "simultaneous opposites." (Don't worry, I had to read that over more than once as well...) I think the intended meaning is beginning to take shape now. Sprezzatura is the ability to make hard things look easy, the effort of the effortless, and my favorite puzzle of all from Sweet is this one: "The key to sprezzatura is paradox, audacious spiritual algebra meets language of faith," (91). I absolutely adore that last image! Math meets words... That HAS to be God :)

The image of spiritual algebra makes me realize how much I need God. (I have severe mathematical learning disabilities, so it always took tremendous amounts of effort and prayer to eek through math classes.) I realize that the Lord has turned that struggle on its head, AGAIN! Unlike scientific math, Jesus was never limited to the same formula. As I try to process what to do with my long lost friend, two ideas come to mind. One is that she and I no longer see things the same way, so God must be the one to provide the healing paradox. Personally, it strikes me that acting as if all is well for the sake of appearances may only delay what is to come. That's what I meant by pageantry meeting visibility. Even though I feel extraordinary STUCK and royally confused today, perhaps I am better off wrestling things through now. Please keep reminding me Whom to focus upon!

No fear -- at least not fear that stops me from trusting God

This was the type of sermon that made me want to run while still pinning me to my chair. A few elements jumped out at me.

Mark 4:35-41
35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side."
36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him.
37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.
38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
40 He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
41 They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

The stern, (where Jesus was sleeping,) is the rear of the boat. Isn't it funny that when we think we can't find Jesus, that He was standing right behind us all the time?!

The opposite of faith is not doubt, it's FEAR. Jesus asked the disciples if they still had NO faith, (Mk. 4:40).

Two worldviews are painfully close to my heart, love and fear. No, faith does not take fear away, it just puts it in its place. This made me think of my family's desire for security and worldly guarantees. My counselor reminded me yesterday that no matter how discouraged I am now, I KNOW Who guarantees the hope of my future. I think that is the hope we must draw upon to walk through the storms. Love asks us to trust when all else seems lost.

Finally, having no fear doesn't mean not ever being afraid, it means moving through trusting that God is carrying us in our weakened states. This is where I get stuck. I'm tired of feeling weak and needing so much help. (Many physical spasms and transit reliability issues have magnified that feeling this week.) I sense that God is waiting for me to look up and realize that He has ideas for me to use when I'm ready to move on. Ouch!

Being God's weed!

Over the last few weeks, I have been challenged by our sermons and my own inner wrestlings. Now, I'll try to express some of those musings.

The first challenging sermon talked about being a weed in the world because the mustard seed plant is actually a weed. I laughed out loud then. My mom is a fastidious gardener who cannot stand any weeds or out-of-place blooms. it's her way of "ordering" a corner of the world and continuously orchestrating its growth. I was struck by a few lines from what will always be known as the "Weeds for God" message. A mustard seed is apparently an annual plant, which would ordinarily not make a good home for birds and others who wish to establish themselves, but in the Lords economy, what seems absurd is often the way things come together best! Seeing that paradox under a spotlight reminds me why I have been planted as a "weed" in a family that loves gardening, order and beauty which they endeavor to control and train into the shape the think best. God makes me laugh! His plans are the most beautifully, impossible paradoxes ever. They are too good to be anything less than perfect in their time! The purposes of God persist despite the odds. Hallelujah!

Here are the verses from Mark 4:30-34:
30 Again he said, "What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it?
31 It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest seed you plant in the ground.
32 Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds of the air can perch in its shade."
33 With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand.
34 He did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.

I wrote of being challenged by a second message. New post will follow shortly!

Annoying little stuff :)

My patience is being tested by a series of small, funny circumstances. All these things happened yesterday between 3-5pm.

Last night, my neighbor rigged the mailbox to open & close until my parents come home because the door came off in my hand when I went to get the mail! Then, the garage door went nutz. Ron got it close because it went loo loo just as my Shuttle ride arrived last night. Go figure! The garage door is now CLOSED and will stay that way. Good riddance :) I have one front door key, so I went to Home Depot this morning and had extra keys cut instead of buying a mailbox, which ha d been my original plan for the Home Depot trek... I'll give one key to my friend, Becca who is staying with me, and another to our neighbors just in case they need to enter and help me in an emergency. Cat is sick, too. Our friend Frankie was going o take her to the vet for me, but then she called Mom who said not to. Let me see, who is here with kitty to see her? Who is snorkeling in Hawaii, unable to see kitty and understand my concern for her?? UGH!

Details, details...

More from Ezekiel as promised

The whole passage is Ezekiel 37:1-14, but the included verses are the ones that stuck with me. Here's why... In verse 1, The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley... makes me think that the Lord can and does ask us to enter a valley, knowing that His hand is there to guide us through whatever we find in that low, desolate place. Next, I connected to verse 3 because God is asking me what I think and then challenging me to remember that He knows things I cannot fathom!

He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know." I really believe that the Spirit of God gives life in a unique way. Being asthmatic often reminds me that my "breath of life" accomplishes a myriad of things far beyond myself, but that I would not exist without breathing's unforeseen power. That is why I identified with verse 6, ...I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' " The last two lines of the passage spoke to me as well. Here are verses 13 and 14. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD... I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' " Those last two lines spoke to me through their repetitive cadence because the part of me that struggles to trust what I read needs promises reinforced many times over. In that way, God will give me my own land, (perhaps in the form of home to call my own,) and He will do so in a way that leaves NO DOUBT of His ability to provide for me! There are more times than I can count when God has carried me out of painful places. Right now, I feel like I've been sitting on this valley floor for a long time, but I know not to rush Timing. Thanks to Ezekiel, I can see purpose slowly being formed in this bleak place.

One answer = many questions

Hello! I've been muddling through for the past few days. Here are some thoughts as I begin to break the surface: I met with Mike the Counselor alone yesterday morning. He now sees that all my parents' demands of me are based in their fear that I will not be able to provide for myself. He also can see that they continue to advocate for me as they always have, but that their brand of advocacy has never stopped to consider that I am now 29 yrs old with much different needs, wants and desires than I once had. While it's good to have Mike affirm all the frustrating things that I think and feel, none of those discoveries and affirmations make life less complicated or confusing yet... Bless you for praying, especially for discernment over how to proceed!

I met with a friend yesterday who's offered to pay me for writing help :) Her affirmation of my skills is priceless just now! I deliberately arrived a few minutes early so that I'd have time to look at a passage and scribble some notes in my journal before diving into her essay. I looked back at a piece of Ezekiel that has always intrigued me because of the logical impossibility of life springing up from dead, dry surroundings. During Sunday's sermon on that Ezekiel piece, I began to see a theme that God's most likely trying to use. Family life feels like a desert place, so I'm sure images the from Ezekiel of a valley and dry bones are NOT an accident! More on that later...

Wednesday morning

Hi! I'll write more when I don't have to keep myself within bus schedule confines, but for now...

We have another appt tomorrow morning at 10:30 with Mike the Counselor. In loosely related news, our fridge is dying. This means that my dad may have to remain home to accept the delivery of a new one and oversee the installation. (The malcontent contraption began to die on Friday, so we currently have ice bags supplementing the lack of cooling.) I don't know what I think about Mom & I potentially being there without my dad, John... the fridge death's timing is priceless because my parents leave at 6am on Thursday for 12 days in Hawaii. Good thing it's getting replaced tomorrow!

I think the distance between us will be good on both sides. Last Mon when I saw Mike alone, he suggested that I read Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages book. He'll ask the same of my parents, too. My idea of progress in communication doesn't include another danged book to read when we need to TALK... I want what I want, but the Lord knows what we NEED?!

Thanks for praying!

Not sure what to think...

My last post sounded angry. This may sound weird, but I don't feel angry. Just STUCK. I'm caught between what the Lord wants of me, which seems to be contrasted sharply against what my parents cannot articulate. I feel like a person sent to a foreign country with none of the language skills needed to communcate. Frustrating!

I know I can only change myself or my reactions, but I feel as if ALL the demands for change (compliance within the "accepted" family system) is on me alone. My parents cannot see this because they are not even aware of a need to look for it... In this phase of life with the people around me, having open eyes feels like a terribly heavy burden. I'm in a very lonely place.

Seeing through another's eyes

This morning I was challenged by two things. The first was a Scripture verse, and the other a piece of relationship detail for consideration from our women's bible study teacher.

Here's the passage:
10 "Do you refuse to speak to me?" Pilate said. "Don't you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?"
11 Jesus answered, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin."
John 19:10-11 NIV

This stuck with me because it occurs to me that I give my parents' words too much power (meaning that I take their opinions in too deeply...) This is especially true when their words are harsh or critical. Unfortunately, neither of my parents is good at pointing out a need for correction without being destructive. God has allowed me the knowledge and wisdom to know the difference which defines CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, but it's painfully hard to break the"ties that bind" in this case. UGH. I KNOW I MUST!

The other piece from this morning is much harder to work with. I was asked to consider Mom emotionally disabled, at least to a degree. That made me mad! (NOT at my friend who suggested this, but at the idea that being somehow being "disabled" gives Mom a bona fide reason to behave the way she recently has.) I don't think that's what my friend meant, but it is the first place I went. To me, being disabled is NOT an excuse! Ironically, my family never accepts that reasoning, either. Instead, living is a challenge, an arduous battle to learn, defy the status quo and move forward. Am I supposed to accept that Mom can and will act in fear and tangle me up in emotional choke holds because she never learned another method of relating to family kindly and clearly? Am I supposed to pity her? If I can get through this without killing my family, THAT will be a miracle!

STOP GIVING THE BASTARDS A MEGAPHONE!!

I chose that title because it comes from a friend who is both insightful and FUNNY! I'm still feeling huge doses of criticism even though I know that's not the case. I met both Mike the Counselor and Pastor Patrick today. Patrick suggested that my parents still see me as a kid rather than an adult who is their child. He also challenged me not to give them so much emotional power. His advice was to find out how they hook into me and stop reacting in a way that gets me reeled in. A dear college friend wrote me last night after attending a leadership retreat for educators. Her point was this: sometimes we need to stop letting the voices of family speak louder than His.

I woke up today thinking I needed a new perspective which might help me make progress in my parents' eyes so that at least they'll see that I'm trying to meet their expectations. Instead, I need to NOT give my parents a "battering ram" to use against me, even if it's simply a shift in heart perspective. I cannot change them. I can and must ask God for help in how I react to them, though. This is all very difficult for me. I can read the words I'm typing and believe them in my mind, but the process of allowing them to drop into my heart and take root will happen slowly. Please encourage me to stay with that process!

Mike the Counselor changed my insurance category/treatment diagnosis to Major Depressive Disorder- Recurrent. That means continued, more frequent sessions. I am wondering about meds, but Mike's take is that God gives us emotions as a sensor for when things need work and care. He said that meds are usually given for not less than a year and he does not see evidence that my daily functions are limited. I need to decide what's best for ME. My doctor isn't an advocate of medicating, either... Lots of tough decisions.

I wish life was boring!

Measure of a Kjersti

Yesterday's counseling left both my parents and I spinning mentally. We are fundamentally different people who must figure out a way to live together. Last night, Mom came and told me that she took all of my comments about her personality shifting into that mean and angry persona as if I was saying that she IS that woman. NO. She is NOT. I apologized for that, but I do not think she sees how her words have knifed into me or hears why I felt a need to say those things. I have a feeling that I may not hear an apology for those gut-wrenching words, even though I made an effort to apologize on my end. The Lord is going to have a lot of work to do in helping me get through the pain of that... Mom IS trying, though. She brought me two jam-filled shortbread cookies from a favorite Seattle bakery and called them a "love gift."

How is it that my parents express their fears in anger and expect positive change? They want me to achieve more academically and professionally, feeling that I have not used the tools from my schooling thus far to accomplish that well enough yet. Apparently, my current TCC work is not satisfactory because it doesn't require my existing Bachelor's. My parents cannot see the good I do, or the students' lives that are changed for the better as I tutor them. Knowing that I do not perform up to family expectations is incredibly painful! I am slowly beginning to see that they believe "what you do defines who you are."

God has taught me very differently and I do not know how to bridge the gap. I feel stuck and very confused. Paul says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Gal. 1:10 NIV) Personally, I want to please the Lord! Yet, I am also called to honor my parents. Isn't part of honoring them endeavoring to meet their expectations?

Praying for Thursday

I just spent time praying so that I can sleep tonight. A concordance is a wonderful thing for people who remember snippets of the Word without knowing where to find them...
I was looking for "don't worry and trust God with your words" kinds of things. In this passage, the disciples were asking Jesus how they would know the end of the age was coming. This was Jesus' reply:

Luke 21:12-19 NKJV
But before all these things, they will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons. You will be brought before kings and rulers for My name’s sake. ¹³ But it will turn out for you as an occasion for testimony. ¹⁴ Therefore settle it in your hearts not to meditate beforehand on what you will answer; ¹⁵ for I will give you a mouth and wisdom which all your adversaries will not be able to contradict or resist. ¹⁶ You will be betrayed even by parents and brothers, relatives and friends; and they will put some of you to death. ¹⁷ And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake. ¹⁸ But not a hair of your head shall be lost. ¹⁹ By your patience possess your souls.

I still face a long and difficult road with my family, but these promises from Luke are helpful. Thank you for your prayers tomorrow morning. Much love -- Kjersti

Middle Name is BLAME

Well, it's Teresa after Mom, actually...

Here are some of tonight's events:
Mom and I spoke, but it was NOT easy. She says that I have broken her heart and fulfilled none of her expectations. She brought up many things with which I have struggled (back to Jr High and high school hooplah.) Past events have nothing to do with current affairs, but I have been accused of repeatedly lying and manipulating all manner of people. When I tried to counter and tell Mom that I feel like she "cannot accept who I am or what I am good at," she tells me that I am the one who "is sick and needs help." That she's "done nothing but sacrifice for my good..." Now who's the one in denial?! She heard my words but NONE of my meaning.

Other sparks that flew were in regards to my former UW Libraries job and the discrimination battle. That report finally revealed that UW Tacoma did not deal unfairly with me because my performance wasn't high enough to merit continuance. GREAT. Nevermind that the supervisor was not clear with her teaching and explanations. At the beginning of my reference work, I filled in a set of mock reference questions and waited for her feedback. Feedback WAS given to me, but it didn't make sense, was not explained and I was told to repeat the exercise. I did that. It took me a while to do in between other work tasks, and I was never told to finish the work quickly. My supervisor was not pleased with the outcome, but never offered reasons. Frankly, I was relieved when the school year and my job ended. Now, though, the report from UW says that I was told to complete the questions and "turned them in 30 days late..." Unfortunately, I know the truth, but because that was a very difficult job for me, my competence appears shaky. That boss and I were literally darkness vs. light. (I'm sure there was a spiritual war going on there, too.) Now, I must bear the cumulative consequences, regardless of why or what took place. All this happened more than 3 years ago, so the exact details are faint, but I am being held responsible for them as if they occurred this morning... Apparently, our business executive cousin who had been helping me advocate through discrimination, called my dad to say that he's shocked by the outcome. I think he believes I falsified events and interactions. My family doesn't seem to notice that the internal UW investigator who cleared the university failed to comprehend that my disability necessitates wheelchair use. (I had to explain that twice because the investigator claimed it wasn't necessary to meet me in person...) Can you say ridiculous?!

Mom also unloaded on me that her good friend, Frankie, thinks I resent being disabled, have a chip on my shoulder and always complain. Oh! I have a "cavalier attitude," too! So much for confiding in Frankie as someone I thought I could trust... WOW! This is a lot to take in. Others' perceptions frighten me. I must also note that all those who accuse me are not yet Christians. Dear, poor beloved Jesus! I cannot imagine how He stayed silent under all the accusations He faced.
Matthew 13:13-15
¹³ This is why I speak to them in parables:
"Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
¹⁴ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:
" 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
¹⁵For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.'

Funny how Jesus quoting from Isaiah's prophecy has so much relevance tonight... Bless you for letting me vent!

Peace (when the world wants a piece of me...)

I spent time at church yesterday afternoon. I broke down crying AGAIN as soon as I got upstairs to sit in the sanctuary. Jill and Rosemary saw me lose it and stayed talking and praying with me for nearly an hour. Then, they left me to pray alone until racing for the 4:40 bus at 27th & Grandview. I came home after that feeling more peace. Things aren't easier, but I don't feel quite as disoriented. I slept comparatively well and seem to be better focused today.

I started reading from John when Jill and Rosemary left, because chapters 14-16 always help me find my way. Yesterday was no exception.
John 14:17-18
17 ...The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

John 15:18-22
If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20 Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. 21 They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. 22 If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin.

That passage reminds me of my parents. They cannot be expected to act like Someone they've yet to meet! Please help me remember that. Feeling lost is never fun, so I wonder if they like where or who they are. Oddly enough, only the Lord knows how to help any of us move beyond where we sit at any moment. I long for my family to realize that! Perhaps this is the road we must go down for them to finally see Him. Help me stay on it under this heavy scrutiny!

These next 3 verses remind me that God isn't done with any of us yet!
John 16:12-13, 33
I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. 13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

I feel like a ping-pong ball. Thank goodness I am God's beloved ping-pong ball!

Christians Have Two Families

This is a painful reality for me. However, as one of my friends from Bible study reminded me, there is nothing like the family of God! As the rift between my own parents continues to be strained, these words ring ultimately true:

Mark 3:31-35 NIV
31 Then Jesus' mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him.
32 A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you."
33 "Who are my mother and my brothers?" he asked.
34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers!
35 Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."
Luke 8:21 says this: He (Jesus) replied, "My mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it into practice."

I am comforted knowing that I have siblings EVERYWHERE! It doesn't make life any less complicated, though. Here is some more of what I shared with my friend, Kathy:

When trials come and one family goes on the attack, representing those who do not know the Word and cannot put it into practice, the "other" family takes center stage as supportive command for the sibling in need. That's what I am feeling now. THANK YOU, praying family! People DO complicate things, ROYALLY! I think God uses people as a litmus test, though. It's much easier to say things than it is to ACT on them. People force us to speak AND act. I don't think Jesus is calling any of us to abandon our biological families; rather, I think He wants us to embrace our beginnings with them and then say that the old has gone and the new has come. (2 Cor 5:17) Paul also tells believers to imitate me as much as he reflects Christ. (1 Cor 4:15-17) Perhaps that is why Jesus makes the strong distinction between original families and the family of Christ.

Resenting. Rebelling. Reconciling.

We heard the 3rd sermon based on the prodigal son story in Luke 15 this morning. Patrick chose to highlight the older brother's resentment. In his anger, that brother refused to join the family or celebrate the joy of the prodigal's return. On Thursday, May 14th, my family will start counseling so that we can find a common communication strategy. I'm very afraid of what will come up. It's really the Tower of Babel around here now... Resentment is most definitely a topic for discussion, likely at great length. We obviously need help because silence only offers band-aids. which have worn thin already. In terms of prayer and confidence, I need some assurance that Mom's words won't destroy my spirit as we begin to work through things. I wish I knew what causes her to lash out so angrily. Please keep praying!

Fireproofing my family

This weekend, I spent time with two praying sisters and we watched the Fireproof movie twice. Although that movie deals with a faltering marriage which is badly in need of God's restoration, it felt like my family circumstances, too. The theme "never leave your partner" and the promise that being fireproof DOES NOT guarantee a lack of flames, just a lack of being burned, struck me deeply. I do not think the Lord wants me to abandon my family, but this is certainly a time of very hot difficulty. I must trust that walking through these fires will change things for His good purpose. I'm not burned, but my heart is singed for sure... Last week a dear friend sent me this encouragement passage. He knows I have dealt with trials before, but that this one is the most painful. He also knows I love Isaiah!

Isaiah 43:1-4 NASB
¹But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
²"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
³"For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
⁴"Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you...

As I watched the Fireproof movie with Becca and Cheryl two nights running, I thought back to the Isaiah verses from Justin. The week to come will be incredibly hard because we have scheduled a mediated session between my counselor, my parents and myself this coming Thursday morning at 10am. Please pray for us during that meeting! I do not want to go through that hour, but I know I must. Many of you have been praying for reconciliation while I have been begging for endurance under pressure, so I think this is a window into the reconciling room.

It's very odd. When my parents returned from Canada tonight, they said hello and Mom asked if I had a good weekend. We ate dinner amicably with no mention of the week ahead. Now I'm in here reading and typing as they're watching a movie down the hall. Not hostile, but not friendly, either. Momentary peace is good tonight; lasting Peace may be painful to achieve.

I was reading through tomorrow's 2nd grade Sunday School stuff an hour ago. One of the verses jumped out at me.
2 Cor. 4:8-9 NIV
⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

The Sunday School leaders' guide said something about how making choices that honor God is often difficult, but that doing so will draw us closer to Him. (The kids are going through the story where Mary pours the alabaster jar of oil on Jesus feet, weeps and dries them with her hair.) People didn't understand why Mary would "waste" such a pricey possession on washing Jesus' feet. My parents and I don't understand each other, either... It's difficult to see what the Lord is trying to show me now, so I am especially BLESSED by all your prayers!

family. loyalty. betrayal.

Being a Christian is a paradox. My family life stinks and I am in pain, but the love of God through others is unmistakable now! On Monday, I broke down again, this time in the presence of my counselor. We have been wading through several layers of muck as I grapple with life. Mike the Counselor said he used to think that the divide between Mom & I was one of Christian vs. Not-one-yet. As I was tearfully trying to put the events of the last two weeks into words, I could see that Mike was praying. He looked at me and said, "loyalty." I stopped because family is EVERYTHING to Mom. Honoring her parents' dream and expectations is central. She expects me to do that as well. When my Christ loyalty trumps mom-loyalty, her heart breaks and she lashes out in fearful anger. I am her scapegoat.

Mike caught my attention again and said, "maybe your mom feels betrayed by your loyalty to the Christian family because she cannot understand what it's like to be part of two..." I said, "Yes! My church family has loved me through times when my human family could not." Instead of being grateful, I really think my mom feels that I am betraying her by turning to those who show me Christ's love. Sadly, the people of God have been very suportive of me recently, while my own family members are too lost and bewildered to see that I need and want to be part of them as well...

I do not like this parable from Jesus, but the words ring in my ears. The NIV places this passage under a heading that reads: "Not Peace but Division" NO JOKE!

Luke 12:51-53 NIV
⁵¹Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. ⁵²From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. ⁵³They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law."

Dear God, PLEASE HELP US ALL!

YOU are my joy...

Earlier tonight, I clicked on a song to buy the mp3 from Amazon. Well, the song I intended to buy was not the one I actually purchased... (Hand-eye coordination is not my strong suit!) These are the lyrics from my "accidental"acquisition. As I listen, it occurs to me that these words fit my mood as well. Thanks, Abba!

YOU ARE MY JOY -- DAVID CROWDER BAND
And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And he set me on fire and I am burning alive.
With his breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in
Remain composed.
Love's taken over me
So I propose letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.
Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I need to catch my breath, I need to.
I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

Praise and Lament -- both voices in one song

Psalm 31:10, 14-16 NIV
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak.

14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

One of my NKJV study notes suggests that this psalm offers both praises and laments in the same piece. Perhaps that is exactly why it comforts me today! The verses I chose to highlight here express what I feel emotionally, and also what my mind understands as Truth. I only wish my head and heart would communicate more effectively between themselves... I feel very much like a human ping-pong ball who is tired of bouncing!

Praying Through Song

This past week has been emotionally draining and I really struggle to find the words to express much. These two songs helped me pray through church this morning. I love our worship team!

Everything Glorious by the David Crowder Band

The day is brighter here with You
The night is lighter than its hue
Would lead me to believe
Which leads me to believe

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?
REMIND ME TO REPEAT THAT 10,000 TIMES THIS WEEK!

My eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
Which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see that
YOU MAKE EVERYTHING GLORIOUS!!

This was the second song that really spoke to me.

STAY STRONG by the Newsboys
You're in the moment now
A bitter root
A wandering eye and then
The ties that bind start wearing thin, thin

You're in the moment now
When all you've been blessed with
Is not enough
Here's where the ground gets loose
Here's where the devils call your bluff

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
You've gotta stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

We've seen the tragic flaws
The tortured souls
The saints with feet of clay
Here's where sin becomes cliche'

We've come through wilderness and watched
The cloud by day
The burning sky into dawn
Have you forgotten who you are?
Did you forget whose trip you're on?

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
We've gotta stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Get up, there's further to go
Get up, there's more to be done
Get up, this witness is sure
Get up, this race can be won
This race can be won

We've gotta stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
Our Father's dawn will light our day, our day
Come on and stay strong
His grip is sure
And His patience still endures
There'll be no letting go today, no way

Come on, and stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Loving your family and liking your family are two separate things; the second is negotiable, the first is not!

I received an email yesterday from a dear college sister in Christ. She and her husband are helping care for his ailing grandmother and their family is not making those efforts any easier. I prayed and tried to assure her that my family had done many of the same things. Here is some of what I wrote. Trust me, it's been edited for dignity & confidentiality's sake... We were all more than a bit MAD!

Hey lady! Here comes my train o thoughts...
Much of life is about choices and commitments. When you say YES to something, your YES is INCLUSIVE. That means NASTY people or circumstances we don't like. Mothers, fathers, husbands, kids... whomever or whatever God places in our circle. Some things and people are easier to love. God knows all this. I constantly ask Him HOW to love! The family He chose for me is funny and kind, but sometimes they are VERY hard to love. It occurs to me that they love me as well as they can. I want more, but they are broken, too. As you're seeing right now, some particularly uncooperative, task-shirking parents need to pull their heads out of the *clouds* and realize that caring for their ailing Mom/Grandma is ministry, too! Not easy, lovely, praise-filled or joyous, but life-in-the-face, SACRIFICIAL hands and feet of Jesus ministry.

Last summer or maybe the one before it, one of my church mentors asked me if I would go to Greg, (my father), if I ever got a call. I considered her question and said "yes" after answering that it would be harder than I can express, but I would still go. Know why? Jesus and Gramma Laura want me to! Honoring mother and father does not say only if ya like them... Taking care of old people sucks! I don't imagine being a parent is easy, either. However, most of us will be asked to do one or both at some point. You and Mr. are being bigger adults and better examples of faith now than the "parents"are... God watches as you pray and move in His love; He is pleased with the two of ya! There is never anything wrong with behaving as Jesus would!

My mom said something profound when Grandma Dolly (her mom) died. She said she KNEW she'd done everything she could to care for her mom and that alone gave her peace. I always struggled to visit either Gram. You know exactly why, too. My friend Mary the Marine said this -- "the alternative is a hard heart. That means you relinquish your capacity to love... Is that what you want?" Well, you know I kept on thru the grace of God. Now I miss them terribly, but I KNOW that I did all I could to be there then. At least I never had to fight the "could've done more" demon.

Most moms, like yours, mine & his, start out resenting our seemingly "preferential focus," because they wish the need to care for ailing family members would vanish, but it does NOT. Our parents behave crazily because they're too caught up in their own worries to know or care what their actions truly show. That was true here until I hollered in Mom's face that I was losing both my blood grandmothers simultaneously, living in Seattle 20 min from beloved Laura, and should never be asked to choose which Alzheimer's wing & corresponding grandma to visit. holy nutz! Mom came up the next weekend to see Gramma Laura with me. IF God makes us mothers someday, may we blessedly have more prayer and less fire than those from whom we've come...

LOVE, KJERST

From the Inside Out

Today's entire worship service was led by our Youth Department; this
song took my breath away! I bought the mp3 and found the lyrics to share.

"From the Inside Out" performed by Hillsong United
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise

Chorus
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Chorus 2x
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

Quite a message in those words! I love music!!

Self control's gift from God?!

Gal. 5:22-23 NIV
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...

In Bible Study yesterday, Joe said that he thinks self control is a gift from God. That made me think! Of all the "fruits," that one is hardest for me right now. If self control and discipline go together than I am really up a creek... The Galatians lists of good fruits and bad acts reminds me of the rules that comprise the Mosaic Law. If you look at both the Law and the Life given to us in when we choose Christ, BOTH are made from LOVE! Paul even refers to the laws of Moses in Leviticus when he says, The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Gal.5:14).

HMM. Love shouldn't keep a "record of wrongs," so why do we? Reading this makes me realize how grudge-prone I am. Self control is not SELF at all. It's me giving my whole self to God. Self control is God control. Since He knows I follow along better when there are words to support larger thoughts, God showed me Gal 5:25: Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Me and my wheels go walking with God again...

EXPECTING EASTER

During the last two weeks, we asked my aunt and cousins to join us for Easter Linner -- my dad's sis and her kids -- but she called on Friday to say they were all too busy with work to come. (Same fam that didn't come for Christmas either.) Mom thinks there is some sort of never-discussed issue between she and Suze. My poor dad gets caught between wondering about his sis and also knowing that mom is hurt because Suze never comes or calls anymore. Lord only knows! Sometimes I truly wonder WHY God planted us in the families He chose... Jesus knew what it meant to be misunderstood. At least Peter had the heart to weep when he realized the depth of his denial. Hallelujah that Jesus and family are not one in the same!

Mom came into my room this morning and asked IF I still wanted to go to church. I thought for a min she might back out, so I worked quickly to find the right kind of inviting tone and kept on getting dressed. Thank God she went! I have no idea why she always balks... I hadn't set up the shuttle van and the bus runs on a very limited Sunday schedule, so WHEW! Getting there IS a battle sometimes. (Not to mention the prospect of waiting at muddy,unpaved bus stops in the rain...)

That said, read on!! When my cousins chose not to join us for family time, I had to release my family holiday expectations back to God. Doing that reminded of the Greek word, eukaireo, which means to create an opportunity for something to occur. It means to be focused and devoting time to a specific thing.

When Mom arrived at church with me, she immediately ran into a friend she used to teach with. That's important because Mom loves being noticed! Then, our sermon was about who we expect Jesus to be, or what we expect Him to do... Pastor Patrick's words also challenged us to move beyond simply "looking at the tomb" because Jesus' resurrection should propel us to ACT! Preacher's phrases were perfectly timed. Just as Mom & I were finding seats, my friend Cheryl from the PT clinic came into the sanctuary. Cheryl bent to hug me and said she'd had a difficult week. (She moved here from CA a year ago, so she can't see her family very often. Her boyfriend is in Iraq, too.) I took a chance and asked mom if Cheryl could join us here at home for brunch. Mom usually hates impromptu invites like that, but today she said yes!! Cheryl accepted our brunch offer as soon as she was asked! Hopefully God will use our family's hospitality to ease Cheryl's loneliness today. Both my parents like her very much without realizing that she's "another of those church friends..." Lord, I am amazed by You! This has been a blessed Easter.

My pain helps others?

A few weeks ago, I was asked to share a few glimpses of my life story during the church women's retreat, all under the title Moving From Resentment to Gratitude. I said yes and then began to ask God what in the world I had agreed to... After many prayers, it became clear that God was directing me to share from the pain of my adolescence. As I prayed and outlined my words, God continually took me through the alley of teenage suffering. The morning of my talk arrived and I woke early and began to make notes over the top of what what already there. Clearly, God was still moving. I finally approached the front of the room and began to share, read the chosen Scripture about Jesus healing the man born blind so that "the work of God might be displayed" in that man's life, then I dumped the outline... God took over completely then.

I did share from the depths of my adolescent agony, but through the love of a friend my prepared words did not address. Janny. The rift between us is too vast to write about, but I would not be the Christian I am now if God had not used her then. Just like Queen Esther being called to intercede of behalf of her fellow Jews, Janny's role in my introduction to the reality of Jesus was clearly visible as she literally stood in front of 14-year-old me wearing her favorite, red Coca-Cola style logo "EnjoyJesus" sweatshirt representing true love and acceptance at the time I needed it most. Others had tried to reach me with the message of Jesus, but I could not accept that He loved me until I saw His love made real in Janny.

I feel so divided from her now! How is God going to restore our friendship?

A Poem Written Just For Me!

God's Great Grace

God's grace is great enough to meet the great things,
The crashing waves that overwhelm the soul,
The roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless,
The sudden storms beyond our life's control.

His grace is great enough to meet the small things,
The little pin-prick troubles that annoy,
The insect worries, buzzing and persistent,
The squeaking wheels that grate upon our joy.

Annie Johnson Flint

Poem copied from: http://blessedquietness.com/journal/homemake/ajf-greatgrace.htm

Gripping God

This is a poem from last Thursday's Bible Study. It's written by Denise Levertov.

Suspended
I had grasped God's garment in the void
but my hand slipped
on the rich silk of it.
The 'everlasting arms' my sister loved to remember
must have upheld my leaden weight
from falling, even so,
for though I claw at empty air and feel nothing, no embrace,
I have not plummeted.

The message of the poem struck me because as a kid who rode horses competitively, my nickname was Death Grip, a title proudly earned because of the strength with which I clung to my sidewalking assistants, my horse and saddle, but mostly my fear of falling. I NEVER fell, though. in over 13 years of riding. I never fell once largely because I trusted my coaches and volunteers.

For the past 3 days, a wise friend whom I trust has been kind enough to read and comment as I type out the saga between a childhood friend and myself. Tonight's reply from my wise friend shone a spotlight on something. As I've written about the elementary school friendship that detoured in college when I felt much differently about him than he did about me, I've felt myself settling into old, familiar Death Grip posture. Scripture and song remind me that the Lord pursues me with an unrelenting love. Why do I hold so tightly to fear? I know God is MUCH bigger and more capable than me. He has already brought me to a place of assurance and security I never would have thought possible. I'm beginning to see a link between literally falling and spiritually being call to fall... in love with Him from a different angle? Away from something I fear? Lord knows. He has yet to show me, though. This Thursday's Bible Study lesson will broach the contrast between Love & Fear. It's gonna be a whopper of a week!

Cartoons with a Message

These are all good reminders for me!

Many days, same theme... there may be a lesson here!

Last Sunday, we heard a sermon from Isaiah 40 that, among other things, asked us (along with the people of Israel) to consider their place in God's world... I was reminded of God's sovereignty and the minuteness of humanity, which put me in my place for several reasons. Thursday's Bible study brought a discussion of Job. Job is a complex man and for some reason, I've always been comforted by his story. His suffering illustrates a depth no man can fathom; yet he endured it long enough to be blessed far beyond even his former riches, all without forsaking the Lord. Realizing that my utterly sovereign omniscient God uses every circumstance to carry out His plan for humankind made me think so me more... God knows what His intentions are. He also knows where my life will lead, so I'd better let him drive. Why is it that I routinely trust bus drivers and still balk at the Lord's "driving" ability?!

Now I'd like to tell ya about a second theme from the past week. Leprosy. It's not what I expected, trust me... Leprosy, especially the social impact of that disease in the Biblical era, sometimes reminds me of my own disability. It amazes me that Naaman was a General in the king's army, even though he was a leper. God may be making a point there! How many times have I been stomped on by people and their perceptions and then been forced to wrestle over my life purpose?

I taught this morning's 2nd grade lesson -- the story about the 10 lepers whom Jesus healed, (the same story where only one of the men thanks Jesus in Luke 17). After Sunday School, the "upstairs" sermon was on Naaman who was also healed from leprosy. It cannot be coincidental that I was asked to read and consider two stories about leprosy in one day... Naaman's king asked for his healing, and sent him to find Elisha. Naaman was a general in the king's army, so he expected to be well-received by the prophet. Well, Naaman didn't get what he thought he should. That resonated with me. Especially when the servant of Elisha's met him instead and gave him the prophet's message that he should wash 7 times in the plain ole Jordan River. Again, I noticed the ordinary move there. Naaman got really mad! I've been there, too. C'mon God... do something BIG. God shakes His head at me. How many times have I missed the first bus because I'm looking for a limo? Today's lessons reminded me that life happens by God's design every moment, whether it goes as I think it should or not. Yikes!

My actions need to reach beyond me

The last week has been a challenge for me. My mom's older brother is staying with us. He rarely says anything kind or thankful for his food, bed, my parents' cars or anything else. It grates on all of us and now mom has a bad cold. These are the times I'm grateful to be an only child... What happened to make this uncle so rude and selfish when mom and her younger brother are not?
Why does the behavior of others often highlight my own struggles so well?

This theme of gratitude and thankfulness (or generosity over selfishness) has come up several times lately. I don't know what to make of it. Today's sermon centered on Isaiah 40, one of my favorite prophecy Scriptures, because Isaiah is reminding Israel who they were, who they are now and who God has always wanted them to be. We, finite and narrow-minded as humans can be, are not capable of seeing the world as fully as our Lord can, but we can and should look beyond ourselves. Praying to see with open eyes takes a wider focus. This world needs width and depth badly! I feel as if my generation is becoming known as selfish, egotistical and shallow. The media highlights this too well. Perhaps its the chair I sit in, but I don't think I've ever been able to entirely escape the reality of my place in a much larger world. In that regard, I'm grateful for one degree of my dependence. Freedom can and does come only when I submit myself to the wheels. I've never liked using any of them, but moving forward is a must! Arguing and refusing only leave me stuck in place.

I know I test God's patience and my family's as well. How do I live a life which expresses gratitude and perseverance when I am simply tired of advocating? Monday's coming quickly. Therefore, I must continue to fight for work and social equality, even though I only feel apathy. How can I be like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe, desperate for His touch to restore her? (Mark 5). That story promises that the woman's faith has healed her. "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace." I'd like to think that her healing also included a bit of divine motivation and initiative for the tasks ahead of her.