Knowing My Need For God

is inescapable because only He can make this body of mine capable! Now, onward to my thoughts about Stephen Hawking and his "no need for God" position. I've been thinking about the physicist's theory of gravity's collapse creating the universe since my pastor referenced it on Sunday. My brain went to Hawking himself rather than his theories, though. I've always wondered if some (or all) of Hawking's vehemence against God has to do with his very disabled body. Perhaps Hawking resents the contrast between the prison of his crippled body and the freedom he finds in his soaring intellect... Just a thought! It's often hard to accept that my precious Lord allows me to remain in this body which I do NOT love. Those inequalities raise questions of trust. When I look only as an intellectual, I see Hawking's position clearly. Anger and bitterness are not helpful trust-builders. However, when I look within myself at my body AND soul, God's there whispering... "yes, child, I made and will use you well!" I don't agree with Hawking because TRUST changed me, but I do see his logic. One-dimensional Stephen Hawking sings an angry, cynical song that I pray against bellowing each day. If only Hawking would seek to see beyond his chair... But for the grace of God, go I!

Trust is my Helper?

My church has challenged us to a 40 Day Scripture reading commitment. I read my Bible nearly every day, but this has deliberate passages and a chosen order. All verses come from my NKJV Study Bible.

Genesis 2:18
And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

I HATE the concept of HELPER personally, but the illumination I saw from my NKJV study notes said that the word used for HELPER comes from the same root as TRUST in the related Psalms passages... Reading those Psalm prayers nearly made me shriek in the coffee shop! The same set of study notes said that COMPARABLE means "fully adequate or just right." I long for that, both to give and receive!

Psalm 33:20-22
20 Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
21 For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
22 Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.

Psalm 115:9-12
O Israel, trust in the LORD;
He is their help and their shield. (IS/present tense)
10 O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD;
He is their help and their shield.
11 You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD;
He is their help and their shield.

12 The LORD has been mindful of us; (HAS BEEN/past)
He will bless us; (WILL/future)
He will bless the house of Israel;
He will bless the house of Aaron.

As I prayed for my own circumstances, I felt Him saying "I am your perfectly compatible Helper; trust Me for what you want so deeply." Tough, yes... However, it's the only relationship that can't fail! I feel lonely and want equality in relationships rather than feeling like I must always receive and rarely have a chance to give, so the insight of Helper and "Trust" coming from the same place was necessary. I don't like needing help primarily because trusting those who help me is such a vulnerable thing. Bingo! That was yesterday, Day 2 of 40. Gonna be a challenging read!

Further Explaining To Do...

If some of you read my previous post and thought I was typing an indictment against the Bible Study group I cherish or my work friends, let me try again. I enjoy my TCC friends. We laugh and teach students together, so that's always a welcome challenge! However, when I am overlooked by any person, for whatever reason, the PAIN of knowing I'm different surfaces faster than I can handle...

Women's Bible Study is one of the few places where I don't feel the twinge of being single... I don't feel odd there. Miraculously, I just enjoy the stories and the courage of many ladies who battle "invisible and lonely syndrome" even though they're older than me. If anything, I have learned about relationships and seen glimpses of how to build strong marriages from women in our group. God knows I want to use that skill someday, so maybe that's why I get to observe and listen for now. I've also learned that human love isn't perfect -- not even from a Godly man, so it's best to find your identity in God alone and then let a husband complement that, IF the Lord grants you one...

About loneliness: a college minister I studied under once referred to an earlier time in his life when he had to make a tough choice. A mentor told hm it'd be better to follow Jesus into the desert then a human anywhere. That minister friend of mine never said what his exact needs were then, but the story has stayed with me for a few years now. Pain like the recent, unknowing insensitivity of my work peers makes me love Jesus more! Going into a cocoon with God would be easier, but I love people too much!! What I long for is romance built from a long-standing friendship. The kind that speaks without any real words. Being known and loved that well is beyond description! I think love like that's the best gift of all :) Only a best friend would bear with me in my struggles and love me enough to tell me when to SHUT UP, too! My life isn't sexy, it's just real. I'm blessed either way, but content is a word I usually prefer to cut out of the Epistles...

Bless your consideration and willingness to learn from me; my own generation pisses me off today!

Begging For Rides

I have a bit of a petty request... Help me not to resent this situation, please! There are 6 people who work as tutors beside me. They plan to see the Alice in Wonderland movie on Mon. Times and a theatre location are still being discussed, but I wasn't even asked to go... or if I wanted to attend... until I blurted "I can get there on a bus!" WHY do people not even bother to ask me because they can't see HOW a chair could POSSIBLY fit in a car?! GRRRR!! After blurting that my other chair can go in cars, I gave the lady, whom I like very much, my cell #. That was yesterday, so I hope she calls or texts me prior to Mon. If she does, I can arrange rides. People never even bother to ask if I can get in a car. With the exception of the "old" Bible Study ladies, who have learned the painful empathy of needing things from others, and a handful of college sisters, rides are rarely offered. Is there something about wheels that prevents people from asking HOW I move?? Sheesh... Perhaps it's not a deliberate slight from my co-workers. Ignorance or insensitivity borne of lacking knowledge? I may never know, but I know these moments of exclusion HURT!

I know it's a challenge to drive me, but I enjoy teaching anyone who dares to ask... Thanks for letting me blow off this cloud of steam...

Baptism

Today I've been thinking of my friends' baptism timing question while they consider when to have their son baptized.

Here's much of my note to them:
I don't think there is one "right" or "wrong" answer per se, just one that reflects your loving trust and obedience to the Lord who's blessed you with your wonderful Little Mister :)

Here's a piece of my own story: I was baptized as an infant. My mom was raised Presbyterian, my father Catholic. They attended an Episcopal church when I was small, so that's where I was officially baptized. After I accepted Christ at 14 and felt my heart begin to change over time, I was frustrated by the ceremony my mom and father took part in long before I had any awareness... I believe the hardest part of infant baptism is that it comes from the parents, not the child. My family is loving and supportive, but they're not professing Christians. The grace of God, however, has never been limited by them! (Personally, I was angry when I discovered that as a now-Presbyterian who was infant-baptized, I cannot be "washed" again.) My family simply did what they felt was right. God took their efforts as well-intended, lost people and blessed them. I am grateful for the grace that has always covered me, but I would have preferred to make my own confession and then be baptized.

If I'm ever a mom... I'd pray like crazy for my child to feel the love of Jesus, and encourage them to seek baptism when they were ready to step out n personal faith and do so. Baptism is the sign of relationship between God and His child. We're called to be His children at ANY age, so the act of stepping forward is just as significant at 2 or 82.

Bless you both as you decide how best to follow the Lord right now! -- Kjersti

Words from The Living Word

ptochos is Greek for "to creep around in order not to be seen." Matthew's treatment of "blessed are the poor in spirit" rocked me where I sat when it was first explained because I used to think that phrase could ONLY mean poor incapable, pitied me. WRONG! I found an old blog I'd begun in Sept, (thank goodness for our church sermon archive so I could recall the surrounding story of ptochos from 5 months back!) Today, after finding this blog draft I started in the fall, I couldn't help seeing a new parallel as I prayed for two families suffering grave losses. "Poor in spirit" in that setting means broken open to God's movement -- remaining close to what Jesus is doing in the world with and through the people He calls into His citizenry. I think Jenny personified what it means to be poor in spirit. This connotation of poor has nothing to do with money; rather, it refers to relational proximity with others. It illustrates our ties to God and then points out the people we are called to serve with love and compassion. What I DO know is this: those who live their lives serving as Jesus did make indelible impressions on more hearts than they'll ever know!

peirazo means to test, explore, examine. It CAN mean internal temptations James probably was referring to adverse situations that tempt us away from our trust in God. If the admonition from James dealt with adversity, then I pray that both sets of parents and friends affected by the Friday shootings without losing their hope or faith in Christ.

The Hebrew word for wisdom chokmah has to do with the art of good living; the Greek for wisdom, sophia, means insight; discernment. These words came to light during my weekly Thursday bible study, along with peirazo, mentioned earlier in James. On Thursday I prayed that God would show good little me how to live lovingly and show gratitude and fortitude when necessary, Although that prayer is still true, Friday's shooting makes me wonder if the same words now carry a deeper meaning. I think that the "art of good living" -- chokmah could also refer to a life lived in demonstrative faith and love, served out of compassion and a desire for mercy even in the face of fear. Well done in that regard, Jenny Paulson! Never fear again -- know that the mercy and protection of the Lord's Eternal Strong Tower surround you.

Now for sophia, the most abstract of my new Greek words... Wisdom and discernment. Really, God?! Perhaps that is how we'll be able to pray for what became of Jed Waits and the chasm of anguish he left behind for family and friends to grapple with.

Cursed Cost of Free Will

God is sovereign over life and death. He loves all people, those who do His good and those who knew it once and turned away. This includes a deep love for a lost, troubled son who chose to kill an equally kind, righteous daughter. Our world is BROKEN so good people sometimes suffer horrendously. At the end of the day, though, no amount of anger or grief from a parent can change the fact that the world is full of things far beyond our control or comprehension. Redeem this, please Lord!

Yesterday I learned that a classmate from SPU was the elementary school teacher killed in Tacoma. I studied SpEd 7 years ago at SPU and had many classes with Jenny. She also worked in the main dining area, Gwinn Commons, serving food and cleaning endlessly. Her quiet presence and wonderful smile made it very clear to me that she thrived on doing good for others. As last night progressed, I heard from many former SPU classmates. One in fact, had dated Jenny briefly and roomed later in college with the shooter. Now, we all battle disbelief over every event and the unimaginable outcome.

I find my thoughts spinning back to a short, complicated phrase. LOVE AS GOD HAS LOVED YOU. That's not hard to do and feel for Jenny's family and their vast loss, but what about Jed? What made him think he had the right to harass and pursue a beloved daughter and selfishly take her life?! It doesn't make sense! It may never... Tonight, as I pray for Scripture to fill my thinking, I snagged myself on a phrase about "rain falling on the just and unjust." I knew it was from a gospel. Thanks to BibleGateway and Google, I found it in Matthew 5. Eerily, the NIV places it in the middle of a section named Love For Enemies.

43 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44 But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

After reading this portion, I am reminded again just how little I understand God's ability to love. Please remember to pray for BOTH families affected by yesterday's horrific shooting. God grieves with and for them both, and so should we.

Accepted/Wanted

Many of my local friends might also be familiar with Keith Ferrin's Biblical performance ministry. (Keith's efforts to internalize and then dramatically recite the Word are incredible!) This image and reflection were posted on his website, and I just found them tonight. Perfect reminder after a long, difficult weekend. -- KJ



Being accepted and being wanted are two very different things. You can be accepted because of your own merit. Being wanted takes grace from the other person. When Paul writes to the Ephesians that God’s eternal purpose is that we might be able to “approach God with freedom and confidence” he was speaking of being wanted – not just accepted.

If all God did was “accept” me – that would still be huge (and vastly more than I deserve). But to know that He wants me? Now that is a game changer.

Love is worth the risk, isn't it?!

John 15:9-12 and 15:16-17 NIV
9 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

These verses are driving me batty because this may be the TRUE proof of my belief itself! As I wrote a few days ago, I am not sure what to do with the fact that Greg contacted me with birthday wishes signed "your dad." I still don't know what to make of that whole scenario, so I have prayed and dug into the Scriptures over two hour-long periods this week. Each time I see something different, but it is now obvious that because I am loved by God and the family that has ALWAYS surrounded me, I must reply to Greg. I don't know what to write or how to phrase it; I'll just have to accept that I must write him back and trust my Author through the fear. Where on earth do I start? I place more trust in "newly minted" specialized bus drivers than Greg, mind you! Last time I wrote, I mentioned a friend's counsel. That same friend replied again with more wisdom. Her newest piece was this: make it very clear to Greg that while I am tentatively open to trading an occasional email, I am not looking to "hire" a dad. Greg is my father in the biological form of that word; John has proudly loved as my dad since our very first meeting in August, 1986! T's words were truly the affirmation I needed. God may be prompting correspondence with Greg, but I needn't worry... my dad shows me who he is everyday, simply by being a constant presence in my life!

Please pray that I would allow the Lord to be my only Author when writing Greg. All is lost if my skepticism and anger come through... Something is clearly brewing beyond the veil!

The father who reminded me who my DAD is...

I turned 30 two weeks ago and received a birthday email from my father... He seems to be trying to initiate something. After 25 years of next-to-nothing, I don't want that but I feel caught because to not at least try seems less than Christian to me. God is the One who designed humans for relationship, sometimes with people we don't want to know or love. I've asked the Bible Study ladies to pray and I've done so myself. I think I must respond to Greg, even though it is the LAST thing I want to do.

Matt 7:8-10 NIV For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?
10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?

These words remind me that God has given me much more bread than stones. He alone provided me with a dad who loves me enough that his advice was this: "I've always felt sorry for the guy; I only missed your first 6 years, Greg missed everything." Wow!! Nothing but compassion and possibility from my wonderful dad. That's how I wish to love others!

My friend T and I had lunch yesterday and her words about reacting as a Christian, and at least trust enough to allow God to open the relationship door, have given me a lot to chew on! This is the Oswald Chambers piece that came to me after the two of us left for home.
http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/11/23/devotion.aspx?year=2010
Read especially the last line from Chambers and please keep praying! Hugs -- Kjersti

Haiti: What shoud we do?!

There are no easy answers here. We in America cannot fathom the needs of the Haitian people who cannot even access basics like water. I sit here typing as an educated woman in a warm room with the smell of dinner cooking down the hall... Luke's gospel compels us this way: "To whom much is given, much is expected." (12:48)

No, I cannot relate to the Haitians directly, but I can empathize with their needs and act in a way that blesses others, which I do! The social services in this country do leave a lot to be desired; but, they are mostly functional (within the confines of their own unique bureaucracy, that is...) NO! I don't think it's fair that I lose disability benefits because I work, but it is what it is. (I can earn $60 a month without penalty. Beyond that, I lose $1 for every $2 I earn.) Each month I report my earnings to Social Security and my benefit is hacked accordingly.
MATTHEW 22:17-21
17 Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?"
18 But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, "You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me?
19 Show me the coin used for paying the tax." They brought him a denarius,
20 and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?"
21 "Caesar's," they replied.
Then he said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's."


God never asks us to analyze whether this practice is fair or not. We are instead called to respond in LOVE as He would. People who gripe need to STOP yakking, START praying and then ACT so that others suffer less!