Knowing My Need For God

is inescapable because only He can make this body of mine capable! Now, onward to my thoughts about Stephen Hawking and his "no need for God" position. I've been thinking about the physicist's theory of gravity's collapse creating the universe since my pastor referenced it on Sunday. My brain went to Hawking himself rather than his theories, though. I've always wondered if some (or all) of Hawking's vehemence against God has to do with his very disabled body. Perhaps Hawking resents the contrast between the prison of his crippled body and the freedom he finds in his soaring intellect... Just a thought! It's often hard to accept that my precious Lord allows me to remain in this body which I do NOT love. Those inequalities raise questions of trust. When I look only as an intellectual, I see Hawking's position clearly. Anger and bitterness are not helpful trust-builders. However, when I look within myself at my body AND soul, God's there whispering... "yes, child, I made and will use you well!" I don't agree with Hawking because TRUST changed me, but I do see his logic. One-dimensional Stephen Hawking sings an angry, cynical song that I pray against bellowing each day. If only Hawking would seek to see beyond his chair... But for the grace of God, go I!

Trust is my Helper?

My church has challenged us to a 40 Day Scripture reading commitment. I read my Bible nearly every day, but this has deliberate passages and a chosen order. All verses come from my NKJV Study Bible.

Genesis 2:18
And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

I HATE the concept of HELPER personally, but the illumination I saw from my NKJV study notes said that the word used for HELPER comes from the same root as TRUST in the related Psalms passages... Reading those Psalm prayers nearly made me shriek in the coffee shop! The same set of study notes said that COMPARABLE means "fully adequate or just right." I long for that, both to give and receive!

Psalm 33:20-22
20 Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
21 For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
22 Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.

Psalm 115:9-12
O Israel, trust in the LORD;
He is their help and their shield. (IS/present tense)
10 O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD;
He is their help and their shield.
11 You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD;
He is their help and their shield.

12 The LORD has been mindful of us; (HAS BEEN/past)
He will bless us; (WILL/future)
He will bless the house of Israel;
He will bless the house of Aaron.

As I prayed for my own circumstances, I felt Him saying "I am your perfectly compatible Helper; trust Me for what you want so deeply." Tough, yes... However, it's the only relationship that can't fail! I feel lonely and want equality in relationships rather than feeling like I must always receive and rarely have a chance to give, so the insight of Helper and "Trust" coming from the same place was necessary. I don't like needing help primarily because trusting those who help me is such a vulnerable thing. Bingo! That was yesterday, Day 2 of 40. Gonna be a challenging read!

Further Explaining To Do...

If some of you read my previous post and thought I was typing an indictment against the Bible Study group I cherish or my work friends, let me try again. I enjoy my TCC friends. We laugh and teach students together, so that's always a welcome challenge! However, when I am overlooked by any person, for whatever reason, the PAIN of knowing I'm different surfaces faster than I can handle...

Women's Bible Study is one of the few places where I don't feel the twinge of being single... I don't feel odd there. Miraculously, I just enjoy the stories and the courage of many ladies who battle "invisible and lonely syndrome" even though they're older than me. If anything, I have learned about relationships and seen glimpses of how to build strong marriages from women in our group. God knows I want to use that skill someday, so maybe that's why I get to observe and listen for now. I've also learned that human love isn't perfect -- not even from a Godly man, so it's best to find your identity in God alone and then let a husband complement that, IF the Lord grants you one...

About loneliness: a college minister I studied under once referred to an earlier time in his life when he had to make a tough choice. A mentor told hm it'd be better to follow Jesus into the desert then a human anywhere. That minister friend of mine never said what his exact needs were then, but the story has stayed with me for a few years now. Pain like the recent, unknowing insensitivity of my work peers makes me love Jesus more! Going into a cocoon with God would be easier, but I love people too much!! What I long for is romance built from a long-standing friendship. The kind that speaks without any real words. Being known and loved that well is beyond description! I think love like that's the best gift of all :) Only a best friend would bear with me in my struggles and love me enough to tell me when to SHUT UP, too! My life isn't sexy, it's just real. I'm blessed either way, but content is a word I usually prefer to cut out of the Epistles...

Bless your consideration and willingness to learn from me; my own generation pisses me off today!

Begging For Rides

I have a bit of a petty request... Help me not to resent this situation, please! There are 6 people who work as tutors beside me. They plan to see the Alice in Wonderland movie on Mon. Times and a theatre location are still being discussed, but I wasn't even asked to go... or if I wanted to attend... until I blurted "I can get there on a bus!" WHY do people not even bother to ask me because they can't see HOW a chair could POSSIBLY fit in a car?! GRRRR!! After blurting that my other chair can go in cars, I gave the lady, whom I like very much, my cell #. That was yesterday, so I hope she calls or texts me prior to Mon. If she does, I can arrange rides. People never even bother to ask if I can get in a car. With the exception of the "old" Bible Study ladies, who have learned the painful empathy of needing things from others, and a handful of college sisters, rides are rarely offered. Is there something about wheels that prevents people from asking HOW I move?? Sheesh... Perhaps it's not a deliberate slight from my co-workers. Ignorance or insensitivity borne of lacking knowledge? I may never know, but I know these moments of exclusion HURT!

I know it's a challenge to drive me, but I enjoy teaching anyone who dares to ask... Thanks for letting me blow off this cloud of steam...

Baptism

Today I've been thinking of my friends' baptism timing question while they consider when to have their son baptized.

Here's much of my note to them:
I don't think there is one "right" or "wrong" answer per se, just one that reflects your loving trust and obedience to the Lord who's blessed you with your wonderful Little Mister :)

Here's a piece of my own story: I was baptized as an infant. My mom was raised Presbyterian, my father Catholic. They attended an Episcopal church when I was small, so that's where I was officially baptized. After I accepted Christ at 14 and felt my heart begin to change over time, I was frustrated by the ceremony my mom and father took part in long before I had any awareness... I believe the hardest part of infant baptism is that it comes from the parents, not the child. My family is loving and supportive, but they're not professing Christians. The grace of God, however, has never been limited by them! (Personally, I was angry when I discovered that as a now-Presbyterian who was infant-baptized, I cannot be "washed" again.) My family simply did what they felt was right. God took their efforts as well-intended, lost people and blessed them. I am grateful for the grace that has always covered me, but I would have preferred to make my own confession and then be baptized.

If I'm ever a mom... I'd pray like crazy for my child to feel the love of Jesus, and encourage them to seek baptism when they were ready to step out n personal faith and do so. Baptism is the sign of relationship between God and His child. We're called to be His children at ANY age, so the act of stepping forward is just as significant at 2 or 82.

Bless you both as you decide how best to follow the Lord right now! -- Kjersti

Words from The Living Word

ptochos is Greek for "to creep around in order not to be seen." Matthew's treatment of "blessed are the poor in spirit" rocked me where I sat when it was first explained because I used to think that phrase could ONLY mean poor incapable, pitied me. WRONG! I found an old blog I'd begun in Sept, (thank goodness for our church sermon archive so I could recall the surrounding story of ptochos from 5 months back!) Today, after finding this blog draft I started in the fall, I couldn't help seeing a new parallel as I prayed for two families suffering grave losses. "Poor in spirit" in that setting means broken open to God's movement -- remaining close to what Jesus is doing in the world with and through the people He calls into His citizenry. I think Jenny personified what it means to be poor in spirit. This connotation of poor has nothing to do with money; rather, it refers to relational proximity with others. It illustrates our ties to God and then points out the people we are called to serve with love and compassion. What I DO know is this: those who live their lives serving as Jesus did make indelible impressions on more hearts than they'll ever know!

peirazo means to test, explore, examine. It CAN mean internal temptations James probably was referring to adverse situations that tempt us away from our trust in God. If the admonition from James dealt with adversity, then I pray that both sets of parents and friends affected by the Friday shootings without losing their hope or faith in Christ.

The Hebrew word for wisdom chokmah has to do with the art of good living; the Greek for wisdom, sophia, means insight; discernment. These words came to light during my weekly Thursday bible study, along with peirazo, mentioned earlier in James. On Thursday I prayed that God would show good little me how to live lovingly and show gratitude and fortitude when necessary, Although that prayer is still true, Friday's shooting makes me wonder if the same words now carry a deeper meaning. I think that the "art of good living" -- chokmah could also refer to a life lived in demonstrative faith and love, served out of compassion and a desire for mercy even in the face of fear. Well done in that regard, Jenny Paulson! Never fear again -- know that the mercy and protection of the Lord's Eternal Strong Tower surround you.

Now for sophia, the most abstract of my new Greek words... Wisdom and discernment. Really, God?! Perhaps that is how we'll be able to pray for what became of Jed Waits and the chasm of anguish he left behind for family and friends to grapple with.

Cursed Cost of Free Will

God is sovereign over life and death. He loves all people, those who do His good and those who knew it once and turned away. This includes a deep love for a lost, troubled son who chose to kill an equally kind, righteous daughter. Our world is BROKEN so good people sometimes suffer horrendously. At the end of the day, though, no amount of anger or grief from a parent can change the fact that the world is full of things far beyond our control or comprehension. Redeem this, please Lord!

Yesterday I learned that a classmate from SPU was the elementary school teacher killed in Tacoma. I studied SpEd 7 years ago at SPU and had many classes with Jenny. She also worked in the main dining area, Gwinn Commons, serving food and cleaning endlessly. Her quiet presence and wonderful smile made it very clear to me that she thrived on doing good for others. As last night progressed, I heard from many former SPU classmates. One in fact, had dated Jenny briefly and roomed later in college with the shooter. Now, we all battle disbelief over every event and the unimaginable outcome.

I find my thoughts spinning back to a short, complicated phrase. LOVE AS GOD HAS LOVED YOU. That's not hard to do and feel for Jenny's family and their vast loss, but what about Jed? What made him think he had the right to harass and pursue a beloved daughter and selfishly take her life?! It doesn't make sense! It may never... Tonight, as I pray for Scripture to fill my thinking, I snagged myself on a phrase about "rain falling on the just and unjust." I knew it was from a gospel. Thanks to BibleGateway and Google, I found it in Matthew 5. Eerily, the NIV places it in the middle of a section named Love For Enemies.

43 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44 But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

After reading this portion, I am reminded again just how little I understand God's ability to love. Please remember to pray for BOTH families affected by yesterday's horrific shooting. God grieves with and for them both, and so should we.

Accepted/Wanted

Many of my local friends might also be familiar with Keith Ferrin's Biblical performance ministry. (Keith's efforts to internalize and then dramatically recite the Word are incredible!) This image and reflection were posted on his website, and I just found them tonight. Perfect reminder after a long, difficult weekend. -- KJ



Being accepted and being wanted are two very different things. You can be accepted because of your own merit. Being wanted takes grace from the other person. When Paul writes to the Ephesians that God’s eternal purpose is that we might be able to “approach God with freedom and confidence” he was speaking of being wanted – not just accepted.

If all God did was “accept” me – that would still be huge (and vastly more than I deserve). But to know that He wants me? Now that is a game changer.

Love is worth the risk, isn't it?!

John 15:9-12 and 15:16-17 NIV
9 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

These verses are driving me batty because this may be the TRUE proof of my belief itself! As I wrote a few days ago, I am not sure what to do with the fact that Greg contacted me with birthday wishes signed "your dad." I still don't know what to make of that whole scenario, so I have prayed and dug into the Scriptures over two hour-long periods this week. Each time I see something different, but it is now obvious that because I am loved by God and the family that has ALWAYS surrounded me, I must reply to Greg. I don't know what to write or how to phrase it; I'll just have to accept that I must write him back and trust my Author through the fear. Where on earth do I start? I place more trust in "newly minted" specialized bus drivers than Greg, mind you! Last time I wrote, I mentioned a friend's counsel. That same friend replied again with more wisdom. Her newest piece was this: make it very clear to Greg that while I am tentatively open to trading an occasional email, I am not looking to "hire" a dad. Greg is my father in the biological form of that word; John has proudly loved as my dad since our very first meeting in August, 1986! T's words were truly the affirmation I needed. God may be prompting correspondence with Greg, but I needn't worry... my dad shows me who he is everyday, simply by being a constant presence in my life!

Please pray that I would allow the Lord to be my only Author when writing Greg. All is lost if my skepticism and anger come through... Something is clearly brewing beyond the veil!

The father who reminded me who my DAD is...

I turned 30 two weeks ago and received a birthday email from my father... He seems to be trying to initiate something. After 25 years of next-to-nothing, I don't want that but I feel caught because to not at least try seems less than Christian to me. God is the One who designed humans for relationship, sometimes with people we don't want to know or love. I've asked the Bible Study ladies to pray and I've done so myself. I think I must respond to Greg, even though it is the LAST thing I want to do.

Matt 7:8-10 NIV For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?
10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?

These words remind me that God has given me much more bread than stones. He alone provided me with a dad who loves me enough that his advice was this: "I've always felt sorry for the guy; I only missed your first 6 years, Greg missed everything." Wow!! Nothing but compassion and possibility from my wonderful dad. That's how I wish to love others!

My friend T and I had lunch yesterday and her words about reacting as a Christian, and at least trust enough to allow God to open the relationship door, have given me a lot to chew on! This is the Oswald Chambers piece that came to me after the two of us left for home.
http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/11/23/devotion.aspx?year=2010
Read especially the last line from Chambers and please keep praying! Hugs -- Kjersti

Haiti: What shoud we do?!

There are no easy answers here. We in America cannot fathom the needs of the Haitian people who cannot even access basics like water. I sit here typing as an educated woman in a warm room with the smell of dinner cooking down the hall... Luke's gospel compels us this way: "To whom much is given, much is expected." (12:48)

No, I cannot relate to the Haitians directly, but I can empathize with their needs and act in a way that blesses others, which I do! The social services in this country do leave a lot to be desired; but, they are mostly functional (within the confines of their own unique bureaucracy, that is...) NO! I don't think it's fair that I lose disability benefits because I work, but it is what it is. (I can earn $60 a month without penalty. Beyond that, I lose $1 for every $2 I earn.) Each month I report my earnings to Social Security and my benefit is hacked accordingly.
MATTHEW 22:17-21
17 Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?"
18 But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, "You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me?
19 Show me the coin used for paying the tax." They brought him a denarius,
20 and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?"
21 "Caesar's," they replied.
Then he said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's."


God never asks us to analyze whether this practice is fair or not. We are instead called to respond in LOVE as He would. People who gripe need to STOP yakking, START praying and then ACT so that others suffer less!

Shuttle saga continues

I got a Shuttle services application packet in the mail yesterday -- looks as if Pierce Transit is making all current passengers re-apply for Shuttle services. I must sign and return the papers before Oct 23 or I'll be considered "no longer in need" of Shuttle services. Now isn't that a "unique," punitive way of cutting budgets/reducing passenger volume?!

If the newly listed eligibility administrator has an ounce of compassion or logic, she might actually comprehend that there is no longer a bus stop near me. Never mind that the stop terrain was ALWAYS gravel & dirt! Well, then again... if the new eligibility coordinator is as much of a policy-enforcing bureaucrat as her predecessor, I'm still very much between a rock and a hard place. Just to highlight the depth of my need for Shuttle services, I'll have my doc, PT and "licensed mental health counselor" all sign the app and testify on my "disabled" behalf. Nothing is simple in my world!

I had a very good, much appreciated thing happen this afternoon. I typically call the Shuttle reservations office every Sunday afternoon to set up the rides I KNOW I'll need for the week ahead. I have a counseling appt this Thursday, and because my counselor's office is on Pearl St. in north Tacoma, I am usually refused a Shuttle-only ride and told that I must use the Shuttle van to connect with a fixed route bus. (Going to and from using the suggested combination of bus and shuttle takes nearly 90 min each way... all for an hour-long counseling session!) I don't do that willingly and usually find a parent, neighbor or friend to drive me instead. For some reason, I GOT my Shuttle-only counseling ride this time! I'm not going to ask questions... THANK YOU!!

Pray for a helpful, encouraging outcome to my upcoming "new" application for Shuttle services, please. Luv ya for your support :)

More than they know...

Hello! Several of you have received some form of my lament in email today as well. I am processing as I write, so thanks for bearing with me!

Last week, Joe, who orchestrates our adult discipleship classes asked me to consider co-leading a Crown Finance biblical finance principles small group in the fall, but I have no idea about my work schedule or living details, so I told him I couldn't commit to leading things. I may end up taking the class myself because I desperately want to avoid some of the monetary disagreements my parents are dealing with. Heck, I'll happily accept fewer obstacles in ANY form :)

Hi Joe -- Your request comes at a time of much wondering about life and family. My parents own property in Seattle overlooking the Fauntleroy ferries that has been rented for the past year or so. Well, that renter was laid off and is moving to Idaho. He is a family friend and told my parents verbally that he would do things as a favor to them that went beyond the lease. Needless to say, he did not. Sadly he didn't even fulfill the lease he signed. My parents have had to finance clean up and repairs which has strained their already tense relationship. They have differing ideas of how to spend or save funds, not to mention holding people who signed agreements accountable. Right now, my parents don't speak. Mom said tonight that she doesn't love John like she used to and doesn't want to be with him any longer. The rental house wars were the wind that blew the roof off their personal house of cards.She still hasn't told him how she feels face-to-face, though. I insisted that she do it SOON and tell me so I can be GONE right then. I can't describe the pit in my stomach... How on earth do I tell my parents to fight for their marriage?! UGH. Pray, would you please?

Now, about me and my potential availability for the Fall class. I have no clue what my work days or hours will be. TCC has cut things drastically so I am continuing to apply for anything that looks remotely likely. No luck yet... Outside of all that, I'm looking for another place to live and hammering out my final Master's year.

I wish I could tell you one way or the other, but I simply can't. Thanks for thinking of me, but if you want to choose the leaders more quickly, it's probably best to ask someone else. Who knows? I might end up taking the class myself! Long answer to a short question... Story of my life :)

My dad, John just returned from a "boys'" weekend golfing in Spokane. When he got home last night, mom was out in the backyard. I think they talked out there. She came in DRUNK and laughing like a crazy looney 2 hours after he went to bed in their room. She announced her (obviously) drunken state, laughed at her own "joke," and slept on the couch again. John's still 4+ yrs sober; now mom's drinking more than she ought to... Holy nutz, I live in the Twilight Zone.

Need hugs!!

Chairs with big wheels, showers with benches and buses on sidewalks

My post title reminds me of a Dr Seuss lyric. I need the strength to advocate effectivelty in order to move beyond this funk. I am trying to move forward. That means moving OUT. I cannot do this alone, so I asked a friend for her help.
I have a favor to ask... I got a copy of the Tacoma area wheelchair access apt list yesterday. One of the listed complexes, Steeplchase in Lakewood, is marked as a property with roll-in showers. When you were looking for Lakewood area apts, did you go there? (It's off Steilacoom Blvd within a few blocks of the Albertsons, I think.) There are buses that run along Steilacoom Blvd as well. IF your schedule permits, could you & I look at it together? Please?! You're more practically minded and apartment savvy than me... THANKS!!

here is a portion of what I wrote in response to that friend:

I prefer to meet people in my manual chair at first. That sometimes minimizes the stigma of "power chair = less capable." I'd appreciate a ride from you! If you're willing, you could drive our wheelchair van. My parents' insurance covers 25+ and I assume you have a good driving record. From the looks of things, they only have 2 bedroom units open right now at Steeplechase and those all have bathtub/shower combos. I am hesitant to call and ask about wheelchair access because that usually illicits a "Great... can they pay??" type of awkward silence. YES, I need to get over that... I also know that moving will take time. (Both time for $$ and gathering furniture and other housewares.) Perhaps I'll have gathered enough courage to call and inquire about specific access features by then :) I hate having additional needs that I never asked Him for... Pray that any apt people I contact would be willing to work with me. That way if I am able to view a roll-in apt, I could test my bigger chair's dimensions against the surroundings. I usually leave it parked in a corner when I'm home, though.

I also went to the Pierce Transit trip planner page asnd entered Steeplechase's main address. The system suggested that I get off the 212 bus at Steilacoom and Hipkins, then walk .20 miles to the complex's address. (Go a block along Steilacoom and turn at 83rd). Not too bad; I think that area is all sidewalked anyhow.

I am also contemplating writing city & county officers to force Pierce to reverse (I pray!) my restricted Shuttle access. Found individual contact info for the members of the Pierce Transit Board of Commissioners and the Pierce County Coordinated Transportation Council yesterday. Thank God for library resources! It's very difficult for me think of HOW to write and advocacy letter now. I am too mad to think objectively or act courteously. They've beaten me down so many times that I just want to tell them off and LEAVE this county!

Let me know what you think of my schemes thus far. THANKS for your support!

Stubborn Love

Yesterday, I received an email from a courageous woman I am proud to call my friend!. She is a school teacher and single mom. Her husband decided to leave when their daughter was not quite 5 months old. My friend has spent the intervening year learning what it means to move on and love again in spite of great losses. The message she wrote me yesterday has the kind of wisdom that comes from circumstances refined by dizzying, painful fire. Her words underscore the lack of what I have been seeing at home.

Communication is critical between all people in any kind of relationship. My dad refuses to listen to any views that difier from his, and even though Mom tries to meet him in his world, he still will not budge. Terribly sad to be that stubborn. Destructive! My parents attended two family counseling sessions with me, but our John was really uncomfortable at the first one and told mom he'd never do that again. She told him that those actions showed that he didn't care about our family and wasn't willing to support either Mom or me. He did attend the 2nd meeting, but used it to tear into me verbally. I told my counselor after that yelling match that my family session attempts were finished. There are a few things I will not subject myself to... That's one of 'em!

My friend wrote that her heart breaks when she thinks about me being a casualty in the "parent war." My heart is definitely torn as I attempt NOT to pick sides or react reflexively to my parents. I feel like the "adult" in their war. I'm an outsider lookin' in for sure. Thankfully, I spoke to the TACID housing office half an hour ago. The lady promised to mail me a current housing list this afternoon.

Continue to pray for us. I am afraid my parents' marriage is in danger.

Family... and why I seek "alone" places

Today, I wonder where the line is between being compassionate and still making sure that people keep their word... especially when that word includes a signed rental contract. AHH! Divided house here. Now John's muttering about me not being much of a Christian because I think the rental tenants ought to fulfill their agreements before moving, rather than pity the tenant's drunkenness. Is responsibility REALLY that foreign?!

My parents are just the same as always. Stuck but unsure of how to move. It's their marriage, not mine, so even when they seek my views, I say very little. Money = stability in my family. When circumstances arise (like a soon-to-be-vacant rental house,) Mom goes off because she cannot predict or control the outcomes. UGH. Neither of my parents can see that the other one has a different communication style, so they don't try to speak the his or her language. Perhaps this is why I live with them. God has opened my eyes to the crucial importance of learning HOW to communicate well. Scares me. I am very much like my mom, so I pray daily that the hand of God causes me think and act differently. Sometimes I wonder if my outspoken and opinionated life is why I don't date... who knows?! Right now, I think it'd be easier to live a single's life forever rather than tear down your spouse because both sides are not aware of a need to see things through the other's eyes. My parents are blind and foolish. Counseling helps ME see this, but THEY need to go for the sake of their marriage. I made myself two gin & tonics last night. "Beersti" needs a break!

In PROGRESS news, I am still on the waiting list for one accessible apt across the street from TCC, but there are many interested disabled renters ahead of me, so that will take many months of waiting. Other people have the same needs as mine. Apt hunting is very tricky because "normal" complexes only have to offer 30" wide doorways under building codes called "universal access." That's great, but I need more to live independently. Those needed pieces are: bathroom railings, a shower with a bench -- NO bathtubs. Hotels and assisted living buildings have those things, but they're very rare in the "real" world. Most disabled people have care staff, so the assumption is that access can be supplemented by that person. I don't need or want that kind of personal care, though. I am too proud and it's too private.

God KNOWS my needs. I wonder when He will open the doors that meet them. Sigh...

God as Scientist

Yesterday's creation vs. evolution sermon wasn't what I expected. I believe that God works through science, even in spite of the mindset of some doctors I met as a child. I grew up in a family that still asserts "I don't need God, I have doctors." This gives me plenty to wrestle with. As a child, I hated having to work so hard to physically move. I was confused and mad because my orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Mosca, was always trying to make me walk better and seem more like the other kids while my legs wouldn't cooperate. My parents wanted me to walk as much as I could. They hoped a type of corrective surgery would give me more chances to fit in with my peers. I remember Dr. Mosca telling me that once he did my 5-tendon releases-per-leg surgery, I'd be able to walk with arm crutches and not need my wheels in the house any longer. His over-confident, Italian charms mollified my frightened mom and aggravated my dad's sense of male pride. I trusted Dr. Mosca with the depth only a child possesses... falsely. I suffered nerve damage and never managed to do more than stand for 20 seconds with arm crutches. So much for a doctor's promises, I thought... Needless to say, I resented the title calling God "Great Physician" for ages.

Over the past few years, God has allowed me to meet a few doctors, even a surgeon, who are chipping my former ideas away. As I get to know these doctors personally, I see them as compassionate Christians who find the Lord in medicine. A year or so ago I found a book at the library called "The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief," written by Dr. Francis S. Collins. Dr. Collins heads the Human Genome Project. He dedicated his life and profession to the Lord in the midst of mapping DNA and studying biochemistry. This book is written in a very approachable style that had me hooked within pages. Reading Dr. Collins' zest for faith through medicine began to shift my thinking.

I may never know what Dr. Mosca, my pediatric orthopedic surgeon believes, but God has provided ways for me to excel even after my body did not react as "promised" after the surgery I endured. Yesterday's sermon didn't say that God is a creationist or evolutionist. He is Creator, period. He made me and those who care for me with their best knowledge and skills. I've learned that doctors don't know everything, though. Thank God I don't have to, either!

Walking with God, in word and motion

Those of you who know me best have likely heard me quip over "walking" with God. Long ago, the Lord showed me that regardless of my physical skill, I'll always walk with Him. I have been thinking about that lately because a few weeks ago I took part in a class where Jackson explained some of the history and Scriptural underpinnings for baptism and Communion. As our conversation went on, we talked about how language must be inclusive of all members of God's family. Jackson said that when he sees me, he has to think of rolling rather than walking... No thanks! (That makes me think of rolling on the floor... in the hay, down the mountain... clearly I digress :)

When Jackson told me that he thinks of me, perhaps struggling, to roll down the sloped Sanctuary aisle, I assured him that I prefer to come forward for Communion because that's one way I move toward God. Accepting the Bread and Cup in my seat wouldn't feel as participatory. Other people in the class then spoke of churches where the Bread and Cup were served along the pews while people remained seated. One of the most meaningful acts on Communion Sunday for me is the walk down that aisle. The walkway is steeper than it looks and I have slid more than once, but I feel compelled to advance under my own power as that time is between God and me. Each time Communion is served, I usually have the blessing of "fending off" offers from several people who wish to push me back to my usual place at the top of the aisle. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy everyone's desire to include and assist me! Those kindnesses are more powerful than you know.

This most recent Sunday, the miracle of Communion taught me another lesson. I attended our early worship service and was seated behind two ladies in their 80s who use walkers. I know one of those ladies from when she served as a greeter 8 years ago. Miss Vivian was one of the early people who made me feel welcome. The ushers were preparing for communion and asked me if I wished to be served in my seat. I declined, thanked them and went forward on my own. I returned and sat in prayer, only to look up and watch with blurry, grateful eyes as Miss Vivian and her walker-using sister were served two pews in front of me. This act of love and inclusion was not mentioned or done with spectacle, just compassionately offered and received. How like Jesus! At the end of our worship service, both ladies' walkers were returned to them and they rose to leave. I was struck by that act, too, because I realized that earlier in the morning when the ladies entered the sanctuary and sat, ushers moved their walkers which allowed them to simply be part of God's family. NO unwanted distinction from mobility devices present themselves in His Sanctuary. How good is God to preserve our dignity! Many of us are blessed by near-total access to the UPPC buildings, which allows those with mobility limitations to simply participate as our hearts desire. Thank you!

Spizzerinctum & Sprezzatura

Hello! I had to write about these two words.

I've been reading a book by Leonard Sweet called "The Gospel According to Starbucks" Chapter 6 of Sweet's book provided me with these two new words. Spizzerinctum comes from an Appalachian word that means accomplishing goals through initiative, industry, independence and spontaneity. Leaping from the original Appalachian cultural context to a Christian worldview, Sweet coins spizzerinctum "holy boldness." I like that very much! Reading reminds me that I am not alone because many others have wrestled with what it means to actively live for Christ along with me. I am also reminded that Jesus didn't send the Twelve without the Spirit.

My sense of being disconnected has been magnified as I fight the emotions brought up by the recent pageantry and advocacy of a friend. I've learned that visibility often creates a need to present a face to the word that looks composed and whole even when that's just the surface. I've always hated surface-level connections because, as I was reminded yesterday, they're usually based largely on appearance. My patient, caring friends who provided these perspective reminders are correct, but how do I take that honesty, work through my doubts and live with holy boldness, which should not ever be superficial?! Jesus "shows His love in ways that are daring, imaginative, bold and in-the-moment,"(Gospel According to Starbucks, 85). I long to be seen that way!

My journey continues with the second word -- sprezzatura. This word points to concepts which are "simultaneous opposites." (Don't worry, I had to read that over more than once as well...) I think the intended meaning is beginning to take shape now. Sprezzatura is the ability to make hard things look easy, the effort of the effortless, and my favorite puzzle of all from Sweet is this one: "The key to sprezzatura is paradox, audacious spiritual algebra meets language of faith," (91). I absolutely adore that last image! Math meets words... That HAS to be God :)

The image of spiritual algebra makes me realize how much I need God. (I have severe mathematical learning disabilities, so it always took tremendous amounts of effort and prayer to eek through math classes.) I realize that the Lord has turned that struggle on its head, AGAIN! Unlike scientific math, Jesus was never limited to the same formula. As I try to process what to do with my long lost friend, two ideas come to mind. One is that she and I no longer see things the same way, so God must be the one to provide the healing paradox. Personally, it strikes me that acting as if all is well for the sake of appearances may only delay what is to come. That's what I meant by pageantry meeting visibility. Even though I feel extraordinary STUCK and royally confused today, perhaps I am better off wrestling things through now. Please keep reminding me Whom to focus upon!

No fear -- at least not fear that stops me from trusting God

This was the type of sermon that made me want to run while still pinning me to my chair. A few elements jumped out at me.

Mark 4:35-41
35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side."
36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him.
37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.
38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
40 He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
41 They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

The stern, (where Jesus was sleeping,) is the rear of the boat. Isn't it funny that when we think we can't find Jesus, that He was standing right behind us all the time?!

The opposite of faith is not doubt, it's FEAR. Jesus asked the disciples if they still had NO faith, (Mk. 4:40).

Two worldviews are painfully close to my heart, love and fear. No, faith does not take fear away, it just puts it in its place. This made me think of my family's desire for security and worldly guarantees. My counselor reminded me yesterday that no matter how discouraged I am now, I KNOW Who guarantees the hope of my future. I think that is the hope we must draw upon to walk through the storms. Love asks us to trust when all else seems lost.

Finally, having no fear doesn't mean not ever being afraid, it means moving through trusting that God is carrying us in our weakened states. This is where I get stuck. I'm tired of feeling weak and needing so much help. (Many physical spasms and transit reliability issues have magnified that feeling this week.) I sense that God is waiting for me to look up and realize that He has ideas for me to use when I'm ready to move on. Ouch!