Wednesday morning

Hi! I'll write more when I don't have to keep myself within bus schedule confines, but for now...

We have another appt tomorrow morning at 10:30 with Mike the Counselor. In loosely related news, our fridge is dying. This means that my dad may have to remain home to accept the delivery of a new one and oversee the installation. (The malcontent contraption began to die on Friday, so we currently have ice bags supplementing the lack of cooling.) I don't know what I think about Mom & I potentially being there without my dad, John... the fridge death's timing is priceless because my parents leave at 6am on Thursday for 12 days in Hawaii. Good thing it's getting replaced tomorrow!

I think the distance between us will be good on both sides. Last Mon when I saw Mike alone, he suggested that I read Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages book. He'll ask the same of my parents, too. My idea of progress in communication doesn't include another danged book to read when we need to TALK... I want what I want, but the Lord knows what we NEED?!

Thanks for praying!

Not sure what to think...

My last post sounded angry. This may sound weird, but I don't feel angry. Just STUCK. I'm caught between what the Lord wants of me, which seems to be contrasted sharply against what my parents cannot articulate. I feel like a person sent to a foreign country with none of the language skills needed to communcate. Frustrating!

I know I can only change myself or my reactions, but I feel as if ALL the demands for change (compliance within the "accepted" family system) is on me alone. My parents cannot see this because they are not even aware of a need to look for it... In this phase of life with the people around me, having open eyes feels like a terribly heavy burden. I'm in a very lonely place.

Seeing through another's eyes

This morning I was challenged by two things. The first was a Scripture verse, and the other a piece of relationship detail for consideration from our women's bible study teacher.

Here's the passage:
10 "Do you refuse to speak to me?" Pilate said. "Don't you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?"
11 Jesus answered, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin."
John 19:10-11 NIV

This stuck with me because it occurs to me that I give my parents' words too much power (meaning that I take their opinions in too deeply...) This is especially true when their words are harsh or critical. Unfortunately, neither of my parents is good at pointing out a need for correction without being destructive. God has allowed me the knowledge and wisdom to know the difference which defines CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, but it's painfully hard to break the"ties that bind" in this case. UGH. I KNOW I MUST!

The other piece from this morning is much harder to work with. I was asked to consider Mom emotionally disabled, at least to a degree. That made me mad! (NOT at my friend who suggested this, but at the idea that being somehow being "disabled" gives Mom a bona fide reason to behave the way she recently has.) I don't think that's what my friend meant, but it is the first place I went. To me, being disabled is NOT an excuse! Ironically, my family never accepts that reasoning, either. Instead, living is a challenge, an arduous battle to learn, defy the status quo and move forward. Am I supposed to accept that Mom can and will act in fear and tangle me up in emotional choke holds because she never learned another method of relating to family kindly and clearly? Am I supposed to pity her? If I can get through this without killing my family, THAT will be a miracle!

STOP GIVING THE BASTARDS A MEGAPHONE!!

I chose that title because it comes from a friend who is both insightful and FUNNY! I'm still feeling huge doses of criticism even though I know that's not the case. I met both Mike the Counselor and Pastor Patrick today. Patrick suggested that my parents still see me as a kid rather than an adult who is their child. He also challenged me not to give them so much emotional power. His advice was to find out how they hook into me and stop reacting in a way that gets me reeled in. A dear college friend wrote me last night after attending a leadership retreat for educators. Her point was this: sometimes we need to stop letting the voices of family speak louder than His.

I woke up today thinking I needed a new perspective which might help me make progress in my parents' eyes so that at least they'll see that I'm trying to meet their expectations. Instead, I need to NOT give my parents a "battering ram" to use against me, even if it's simply a shift in heart perspective. I cannot change them. I can and must ask God for help in how I react to them, though. This is all very difficult for me. I can read the words I'm typing and believe them in my mind, but the process of allowing them to drop into my heart and take root will happen slowly. Please encourage me to stay with that process!

Mike the Counselor changed my insurance category/treatment diagnosis to Major Depressive Disorder- Recurrent. That means continued, more frequent sessions. I am wondering about meds, but Mike's take is that God gives us emotions as a sensor for when things need work and care. He said that meds are usually given for not less than a year and he does not see evidence that my daily functions are limited. I need to decide what's best for ME. My doctor isn't an advocate of medicating, either... Lots of tough decisions.

I wish life was boring!

Measure of a Kjersti

Yesterday's counseling left both my parents and I spinning mentally. We are fundamentally different people who must figure out a way to live together. Last night, Mom came and told me that she took all of my comments about her personality shifting into that mean and angry persona as if I was saying that she IS that woman. NO. She is NOT. I apologized for that, but I do not think she sees how her words have knifed into me or hears why I felt a need to say those things. I have a feeling that I may not hear an apology for those gut-wrenching words, even though I made an effort to apologize on my end. The Lord is going to have a lot of work to do in helping me get through the pain of that... Mom IS trying, though. She brought me two jam-filled shortbread cookies from a favorite Seattle bakery and called them a "love gift."

How is it that my parents express their fears in anger and expect positive change? They want me to achieve more academically and professionally, feeling that I have not used the tools from my schooling thus far to accomplish that well enough yet. Apparently, my current TCC work is not satisfactory because it doesn't require my existing Bachelor's. My parents cannot see the good I do, or the students' lives that are changed for the better as I tutor them. Knowing that I do not perform up to family expectations is incredibly painful! I am slowly beginning to see that they believe "what you do defines who you are."

God has taught me very differently and I do not know how to bridge the gap. I feel stuck and very confused. Paul says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Gal. 1:10 NIV) Personally, I want to please the Lord! Yet, I am also called to honor my parents. Isn't part of honoring them endeavoring to meet their expectations?

Praying for Thursday

I just spent time praying so that I can sleep tonight. A concordance is a wonderful thing for people who remember snippets of the Word without knowing where to find them...
I was looking for "don't worry and trust God with your words" kinds of things. In this passage, the disciples were asking Jesus how they would know the end of the age was coming. This was Jesus' reply:

Luke 21:12-19 NKJV
But before all these things, they will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons. You will be brought before kings and rulers for My name’s sake. ¹³ But it will turn out for you as an occasion for testimony. ¹⁴ Therefore settle it in your hearts not to meditate beforehand on what you will answer; ¹⁵ for I will give you a mouth and wisdom which all your adversaries will not be able to contradict or resist. ¹⁶ You will be betrayed even by parents and brothers, relatives and friends; and they will put some of you to death. ¹⁷ And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake. ¹⁸ But not a hair of your head shall be lost. ¹⁹ By your patience possess your souls.

I still face a long and difficult road with my family, but these promises from Luke are helpful. Thank you for your prayers tomorrow morning. Much love -- Kjersti

Middle Name is BLAME

Well, it's Teresa after Mom, actually...

Here are some of tonight's events:
Mom and I spoke, but it was NOT easy. She says that I have broken her heart and fulfilled none of her expectations. She brought up many things with which I have struggled (back to Jr High and high school hooplah.) Past events have nothing to do with current affairs, but I have been accused of repeatedly lying and manipulating all manner of people. When I tried to counter and tell Mom that I feel like she "cannot accept who I am or what I am good at," she tells me that I am the one who "is sick and needs help." That she's "done nothing but sacrifice for my good..." Now who's the one in denial?! She heard my words but NONE of my meaning.

Other sparks that flew were in regards to my former UW Libraries job and the discrimination battle. That report finally revealed that UW Tacoma did not deal unfairly with me because my performance wasn't high enough to merit continuance. GREAT. Nevermind that the supervisor was not clear with her teaching and explanations. At the beginning of my reference work, I filled in a set of mock reference questions and waited for her feedback. Feedback WAS given to me, but it didn't make sense, was not explained and I was told to repeat the exercise. I did that. It took me a while to do in between other work tasks, and I was never told to finish the work quickly. My supervisor was not pleased with the outcome, but never offered reasons. Frankly, I was relieved when the school year and my job ended. Now, though, the report from UW says that I was told to complete the questions and "turned them in 30 days late..." Unfortunately, I know the truth, but because that was a very difficult job for me, my competence appears shaky. That boss and I were literally darkness vs. light. (I'm sure there was a spiritual war going on there, too.) Now, I must bear the cumulative consequences, regardless of why or what took place. All this happened more than 3 years ago, so the exact details are faint, but I am being held responsible for them as if they occurred this morning... Apparently, our business executive cousin who had been helping me advocate through discrimination, called my dad to say that he's shocked by the outcome. I think he believes I falsified events and interactions. My family doesn't seem to notice that the internal UW investigator who cleared the university failed to comprehend that my disability necessitates wheelchair use. (I had to explain that twice because the investigator claimed it wasn't necessary to meet me in person...) Can you say ridiculous?!

Mom also unloaded on me that her good friend, Frankie, thinks I resent being disabled, have a chip on my shoulder and always complain. Oh! I have a "cavalier attitude," too! So much for confiding in Frankie as someone I thought I could trust... WOW! This is a lot to take in. Others' perceptions frighten me. I must also note that all those who accuse me are not yet Christians. Dear, poor beloved Jesus! I cannot imagine how He stayed silent under all the accusations He faced.
Matthew 13:13-15
¹³ This is why I speak to them in parables:
"Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
¹⁴ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:
" 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
¹⁵For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.'

Funny how Jesus quoting from Isaiah's prophecy has so much relevance tonight... Bless you for letting me vent!